"It turns out dentists don't like it very much when you show up for a cleaning in full vampire gear."
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Quote collection
Demetri Martin quotes (page 13 of 25)
494 quotes — follow a thought to its full quote page.
"A lifevest protects you from drowning and a bulletproof vest protects you from getting shot, and a sweater vest protects you from pretty girls."
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"Stand-up is like a row boat: it's fun and romantic when you're choosing to do it. But if you have no other choice than to be in a row boat it's not as enjoyable; that's survival."
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"I like video games, but they're really violent. I'd like to play a video game where you help the people who were shot in all the other games. It'd be called 'Really Busy Hospital."
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"Jumping jacks are easier to do than crawling jacks."
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"The earth without art is just eh."
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"A refrigerator is the opposite of a drug addict, because a refrigerator starts in a box and then moves to a house."
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"A car alarm is a way for a car to tell everyone that its owner is an asshole."
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"I am what I eat. And I am this especially when I bite my nails."
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"It's weird the way "finger puppet" sounds okay as a noun... ladies."
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"When I'm buying car insurance I ask myself, 'Which company has the most annoying and relentless commercials?'"
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"Never forget where you came from. That's what I think when I walk into a cave."
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"At any minute, I am four minutes from a poncho."
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"I like birthdays because we celebrate life with cakes. It's so cool. Sometimes when I see a baby, I'm like that much more cake in the world. But then when someone dies, I'm like the cake streak is over."
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"There's a store in my neighborhood called Futon World. I like that name, 'Futon World.' Makes me think of a magical place that gets less and less comfortable over time."
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"Fire truck with back end on fire drives really fast in circles."
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"I walk around and think about things. When I come across a thought that makes me laugh, I write it down. Then, at night, I say the thought to people through a microphone. I don't think about politics or pop culture very much, so those thoughts don't often make it to the microphone."
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"A glove is a very literal looking hand puppet."
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"A human head looks the least scary when it is attached."
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"I love catching a snapshot of something that is just about to happen. Or maybe something that just happened, you know. But I like especially that just-before kind of feeling."
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