Quote collection
494 quotes — follow a thought to its full quote page.
"I think there are so many little hurdles and impediments with stand-up that you'd need to have this insane desire to do it if you didn't have something that clicked right away."
"Sometimes I see a bird fly by and I feel jealous. But then other times I see a bird fly into a closed window and I feel laughing."
"Sometimes heckling can almost help a set, because it ratchets up the tension in the room... can even bring things to a climax."
"Futon World - a wonderful place that becomes slowly less comfortable over time."
"A dreamcatcher works, if your dream is to be gay."
"Suicide is the #1 killer of a person who is in a boat and happens to be passing under a bridge at the wrong time."
"A parade looks like a bunch of people are excited about being in traffic."
"There is no I in Team, unless you count the vertical part of the T."
"I am a man of my word… and that word is “unreliable."
"I ordered a wake-up call the other day. The phone rang and a woman's voice said, 'What the hell are you doing with your life?'"
"I saw a sign that said, 'Watch for children.' I was like, 'That sounds like a fair trade - especially if they're crappy kids.'"
"I bought a clock, but the big hand broke off of it... so I just added "ish" to every number."
"Reality is a concept that depends largely upon where you point your face."
"A couple weeks ago I was on the street and I saw an ugly pregnant lady, and I just thought, 'Good for you.'"
"I wanna buy a bunch of hermit crabs and make them live together."
"When someone asks you the question 'Are you ticklish' it doesn't matter if you say yes or no, cause they're going to touch you. If someone asks if you're ticklish and you don't want to be touched you should something like 'I have diarrhea, now don't touch me cause you'll make it come out... and yes I'm very ticklish'."
"I bought a new pair of pajamas with pockets, which is great, cause now i don't have to hold things when I sleep."
"A Rubik's cube is equal to a drag queen. It's really colorful, but I don't wanna do it."
"Cotton balls is an example of something I would buy, but not want to have as a nickname. Cinnamon buns, on the other hand, is something I would buy and want to have as a nickname. 'Are you Cinnamon Buns?' 'You bet your sweet ass I am.'"
"I saw a dog wearing a sweater and I thought that looked ridiculous 'cause dogs don't have arms. If you're going to put clothes on the dog, you should put two pairs of pants on it."