"I like birthdays. Every time someone is born, that's just like bringing more cake into the world."
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Quote collection
Demetri Martin quotes (page 14 of 25)
494 quotes — follow a thought to its full quote page.
"Knights would have probably liked refrigerator magnets."
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"The definition of adventure depends upon how boring your life is."
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"Sometimes I feel like I'm making a connection with a stranger, but then it turns out I'm not. Like, I was in a mall, and I saw this lady hitting her kid. So I went up to her, and I was like, "Yeah, get him!" She got all mad at me. I was like, "I'm on your side here.""
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"Overheard today in restaurant: Can you stop listening to our conversation?"
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"I think one of the most groundbreaking inventions of all time is the jackhammer."
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"They should call fishing what it really is... tricking and killing!"
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"Yes" actually means "No" 100% of the time, when the question is "Can I give you some advice?"
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"I bought a dictionary. First thing I did was, I looked up the word "dictionary", and it said "you're an asshole"."
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"I can always tell how stupid someone is by how certain they are about what they're saying."
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"I saw a door that said exit only. So I entered through it and went up to the guy working there and said "I have good news. You have severely underestimated that door over there. By like a hundred percent.""
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"I got myself a really nice nib pen, with like 15 kinds of India Ink, and tons of different nibs; I think I was just procrastinating, like, once I have the right nib, the book is just going to jump right out of my fingertips... but then it just ended up looking like the shitty drawings that I usually do."
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"I have a time machine at home. It only goes forward at regular speed"
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"I go the gym and I try to run on the treadmill and I listen to music but it doesn't motivate me enough. So I'm going to get a recording of a pack of wolves gaining on me. People would be like, 'Why is that guy crying on that treadmill over there?' 'I don't know, but he's been yelling, 'help' for like 20 minutes. He's getting a good workout."
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"When watering your plants, try to talk to them - say something like, Hold it right there and then shoot them with water gun."
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"Nothing wise was ever printed upon an apron."
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"I think since I was kid people told me that they thought I was funny."
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"I'm in a weird position, because I like rainbows, but I'm not gay. So whenever I go out wearing a rainbow shirt, I have to put "Not gay." But I'm not against gays, so under that I'll have to put "... but supportive." It's weird how one group of people took refracted light. That's very greedy, gays."
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"Drunken behavior will not be tolerated, except by those who are being hilarious."
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"Our Times, a Brief History: As televisions became flatter, People became rounder."
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