Quote collection
494 quotes — follow a thought to its full quote page.
"The question is, 'how bad at sports were you as a kid?' I grew up near where they film Jersey Shore. If you weren't tan, muscular, and book-averse, you were a dork and a nerd and a geek and stuff. I remember being into Gary Larsen, Stephen Wright, Peter Sellers."
"For me and most of my friends who are comedians, if you've been doing comedy for a while, your tolerance for things actually moves. I find it very hard to be shocked, and when other people aggressively take offense to something, I'm sometimes confused."
"My original goal was just to do stand-up but then I became interested in films - writing a film, shooting one someday, and getting to act in them."
"I got some new pajamas with pockets in 'em. Which is great, because before that, I used to have to hold stuff when I slept. But now I'm like, 'Where's my planner? There it is. "Keep sleeping." All right, perfect.'"
"I didn't do improv in college, I never performed, I didn't do theater either. I was in student government, I was a history major."
"When I trip, I feel like that's the world saying come here for a second. It just pulls me closer for a second, yeah what do you want? I just want to remind you that you're uncoordinated. I'm aware of that, thank you... can I go now? Yeah, you can go, but never ever try to outrun me. Ok, world, see you later. Yeah, I'll see you in about 50 years."
"I was a good student when I was a kid, and I did everything I was supposed to do, and I got A's."
"I got into stand up just to do stand up because I love stand up."
"I wasn't even a big comedy nerd. A lot of the comedians I know - a lot of my friends are comedians - they knew a lot about comedy growing up."
"I am everything and I am nothing. I am just kidding; I am not everything and nothing. That would be ridiculous. I am just everything."
"I am a comedian but it's usually not a compliment to be called a prop comedian but I guess I sometimes use props. And I always confuse humorist with comedian. That's strange."
"I just started doing this one-man show, and I wanted to be able to score it, so I bought a guitar, and got a keyboard and got a harmonica. I remember when I started that I didn't understand why a harmonica had different letters on them."
"Halloween: the day each year when strangers give you even more specific reasons to dislike them based on what they are wearing."
"I think they should put pies on the fronts of trains, so that when they hit something it's at least a little bit funny."
"I'm always excited to try something I haven't done."
"I didn't play music, nobody in my family had an instrument or played music, we didn't even have any books at my house. I think about it and I'm like, I don't know how I climbed out of there."
"I think if I pick the right thing to spend my time doing, then time moves differently, because I really can get fully immersed in things and feel very alive and challenged, but in a good way. I feel a sense of progress."
"Multi-Choice question: My dishwasher is: efficient; hilarious."
"I am a ceiling fan, especially during rain."
"Tic Tacs are the maracas of breath mints."