"I love Steven Wright."
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Quote collection
Demetri Martin quotes (page 23 of 25)
494 quotes — follow a thought to its full quote page.
"You know what's the greatest part of anything ever in the history of everything? Exaggeration. No, wait; it's correcting yourself. No, better yet, it's making lists."
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"I was student council president in high school, and even in law school, I was vice-president of the student bar association."
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"You always hear about the guy who was raised by wolves. You never hear about the guy who was raised by the guy who was raised by wolves. The problem is, you have a non-wolf imparting wolf teachings."
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"I just know keeping track of what I'm doing and where I'm going is important to me."
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"At the battle of the bands the loser's always the audience."
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"If you have a lair then you are probably not a good person."
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"If you are wearing a bandana you better have something wise to say, because you are starting with a credibility deficit."
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"Hot Potato is a very different game when the people playing are starving."
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"Stand up is really fun because if I think of a joke or a funny idea, then I can just go and tell some people and if they laugh, they laugh right away."
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"When I was younger, I'd get very empirical with myself. "I have a hypothesis about myself. I'll put myself in a situation, see what happens, then I'll draw a conclusion based on the empirical evidence. Hypothesis: I can play basketball." So I'd try. "Conclusion: I cannot play basketball.""
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"Conclusions are based in time. We live in time. So any definition of success is bound up with time. With other things you can say, "Can I yo-yo? Can I juggle?" Usually you have a pretty small window in which to get your answer. Stand-up is different. You can't do stand-up for one night and say, "Am I a funny stand-up comedian?" In two months or two years you'll start to realize it."
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"Rock is fine. No structural damage to rock. Rock can break through paper at any point. Just say the word. Paper sucks."
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"A musical is the same as a burlap sack, I would not want to be in either"
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"There's an old Russian saying that goes some way or another. I don't know it. I don't speak Russian. But sometimes I think about it and wonder if it's relevant to what I'm going through at the time. Probably not. I mean what do Russian know about hunger, anyway?"
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"It's always helpful to remember that in the grand scheme of things you are much more important than... um, wait, than... something, maybe."
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"I am the Walrus, but not the one you're probably thinking of. I am the other Walrus, the one who is less the Walrus in the sense of legendary music and more the Walrus in the sense of his tendency to to lie around in places for too long."
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"The reason you often get in comedy is because you're not getting laid."
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"I am sometimes referred to as Excuse Me in an annoyed tone of voice, because apparently I am in the way. I am so sorry. I am supposed to be some sort of mind reader, I guess. I am moving out of the way now as slowly as I possibly can. I am doing this and there's nothing you can do about it."
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"I care about politics, but I have a tough time making comedy out of it. I was so happy to have a chance to be on The Daily Show, and I think Jon Stewart's so funny... but mostly in my own comedy, I care about less relevant things."
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