Quote collection
197 quotes — follow a thought to its full quote page.
"I think I still get something from the original broadcaster but I'm certainly not aware of any Netflix van driving to my house and unloading a load of cash into my front yard."
"America's work ethic is non-stop; it's not even enshrined in law that workers have to get their two weeks holiday money. But Americans work harder than everyone else I can think of."
"There are two types of wine essentially, and everybody knows this. There's the one where you drink it and go, "Mmmm, well that's ok, can we get 8 of those please, give us 8 of those." There's the other one, you know, where you go "Ga... bt... Jesus, WHAT is that?" Very, very occasionally I concede you will hit a subtle one. You know, where you go "Ga... ba... ah, actually that's not that bad, that is. It's quite nice.""
"I feel very very old. My hair hurts. I have buttocks all over my body and I can't even smoke properly any more. I don't have lungs, I just have two poppadoms in here."
"The truth is that I'm constitutionally incapable of doing an ordinary job."
"I've been writing since I was very young, even before I was a teenager. As far as I'm concerned, I am a writer - whether my writing's spoken or written in a blog, paper, book or printed on the side of a submarine."
"You should be as alive as you can, until you're totally dead!"
"Everybody is corrupted by hotel rooms. You can't help it. It's the only place in the world where you walk in and the first think you do is steal everything before you take your coat off."
"When I was a child, I wanted to watch things that made me laugh. It's attacking boredom, as simple as that. I was 19 when I first went to a comedy club - I wanted to do it, so I gave it a try and that was it. I found my office."
"Two young, fit, healthy attractive people in love? There’s nothing worse to look at in the world."
"So here are some foolproof recipes for those of you who understand the true function of food. Bean Treat: Gingerly pour four fluid oz of beans or something into a jug. Cry. Eat the beans from the jug and pour the rest from the can down your throat. N.B. These taste better if they belong to somebody else in your house. Pain au Dunk: Fists of bread, rent from the loaf and dunked into anything runnier than bread. Should eat at least six of these because…you should. Don’t toast the bread. Toast is cookery."
"What is universal can be surprising. Over time you find the kind of stuff which has people thinking 'That is just something that occurred to me there's something wrong with me', is in fact stuff that is universal."
"Children are the most honest critics. They will say "You're funny", but also "You're pathetic - go away.""
"You know it's a sad day when your child looks at you and asks 'Daddy, are these organic?'"
"When did you ever hear of a child not in need? 'Oh that's enough jam tart for me, I'll just go now and clean the toilets.'"
"I don't have lungs anymore! Just two spare bags that flew in under a bridge one day."
"I don't want to do panel games or adverts. I really like challenges. I always get roles as an art teacher or a photographer. In the future I want to play something like a mugger/assassin/pastry chef."
"Paper acts as an eraser on the mind, as soon as you look at what you've written."
"I'm delighted to make as many people feel ashamed as possible. There's probably a site like that for everybody. I've heard Newt Gingrich has his own as well."
"The trend now is to get away from stage bound sitcoms."