"Last year I gave seventy-four phone hours to soliciting baked goods for the Bake-A-Rama. I was named Top Call Girl by the League."
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Quote collection
Erma Bombeck quotes (page 16 of 17)
334 quotes — follow a thought to its full quote page.
"Phrases and their actual meanings: My teacher has never liked me. Expect a phone call before lunch from the teacher informing you that your child has been launching hot dogs by compressing them inside a small Thermos and then removing the lid quickly."
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"Remember, you can lead a fifty-seven-year-old body to motherhood, but you can't make it stay awake."
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"I never go to a college reunion that I don't come away feeling sorry for all those paunchy, balding jocks trying to hang onto youth. I feel sorry for the men, too."
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"Next to hot chicken soup, a tattoo of an anchor on your chest, and penicillin, I consider a honeymoon one of the most overrated events in the world."
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"Parenting is a negative thing. Keep your children from killing themselves, or anyone else, and hope for the best."
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"Occasionally, once a speaker is on his feet, it is difficult to get him to sit down. ... If and when he returns to earth, he notices half of the room is paging the other half and a few are playing with the melted candles."
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"A small waist makes you tire easily."
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"For some unexplained reason, it's always the other end of the table that's wild and raucous, with screaming laughter and a fella who plays 'Holiday for Strings' on water glasses."
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"It is difficult to single out one sport over another, but if I have to name one in my separation suit, it will undoubtedly be football."
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"Throughout the years I have set up my own rules about eating food: Never eat anything you can't pronounce. Beware of food that is described as, "Some Americans say it tastes like chicken."
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"Sex in the nineties is boring. The problem is that it has gone from an active act to a spectator sport. We watch people make love on television and in films. We call 900 numbers to hear what someone would do to us if they weren't sitting in a boiler room of other dirty talkers reading from a prepared script."
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"Authorities say brain cells may shrink, but they don't necessarily die. Frankly, I am cheered by the fact that something is shrinking. I'd be even more thrilled if what was shrinking affected my dress size, but you can't have everything."
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"I was leafing through a magazine where there was a before-and-after picture of a woman who went from a size 5 to a size 3 by liposuction. Was she serious? I've cooked bigger turkeys than her "before" picture."
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"To my way of thinking, the American family started to decline when parents began to communicate with their children."
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"Let us hope manufacturers can come up with a diaper that is environmentally sound. To go back to cloth would send us back to the day when breathing and raising a baby at the same time were incompatible."
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"Why take pride in cooking, when they don't take pride in eating?"
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"I'm real ambivalent about [working mothers]. Those of use who have been in the women's movement for a long time know that we've talked a good game of "go out and fulfill your dreams" and "be everything you were meant to be." But by the same token, we want daughters-in-law who are going to stay home and raise our grandchildren."
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"I got so much food spit back in my face when my kids were small, I put windshield wipers on my glasses."
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"Phone are wonderful instruments, but I wouldn't want our daughter to marry one."
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