Quote collection
334 quotes — follow a thought to its full quote page.
"A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat. A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday. A friend will tell you she saw your old boyfriend -- and he's a priest."
"Grandma told me Mama was once caught by the Principal for writing in the front of her book, "In Case of Fire, Throw This in First." I have never had so much respect for Mama as the day I heard this."
"If I raised my hand to wipe the hair out of my children's eyes, they'd flinch and call their attorney."
"I hated skiing or any other sport where there was an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill."
"My son did not show signs of a money deficiency until he opened his small fist in the nursery and found it was empty."
"I have always felt cookbooks were fiction and the most beautiful words in the English language were 'room service."
"Grandmas can shed the yoke of responsibility, relax and enjoy their grandchildren in a way that was not possible when they were raising their own children. And they can glow in the realisation that here is their seed of life that will harvest generations to come."
"Adults can take a simple holiday for Children and screw it up. What began as a presentation of simple gifts to delight and surprise children around the Christmas tree has culminated in a woman unwrapping six shrimp forks from her dog, who drew her name."
"We wondered why when a child laughed, he belonged to Daddy, and when he had a sagging diaper that smelled like a landfill, 'He wants his mother.'"
"If the nest is truly empty, who owns all this junk?"
"The woman who says, 'My kids are all speaking to one another and they love us' is a psychopathic liar."
"I'm going to stop punishing my children by saying, “Never mind! I'll do it myself."
"not all bears have their own television series. Some of them are unemployed wild animals."
"My sister and I never engaged in sibling rivalry. Our parents weren't that crazy about either one of us."
"I have never understood, for example, how come a child can climb up on the roof, scale the TV antenna, and rescue the cat ... yet cannot walk down the hallway without grabbing both walls with his grubby hands for balance."
"Some of the best fiction writers got their start writing airline menus."
"It is upsetting to many parents that their teen-agers introduce them to their friends as encyclopedia salesmen who are just passing through ... if they introduce them at all. I have some acquaintances who hover in dark parking lots, enter church separately and crouch in furnace rooms so their teen-agers will not be accused of having parents."
"My son would walk to the refrigerator-freezer and fling both doors open and stand there until the hairs in his nose iced up. After surveying $200 worth of food in varying shapes and forms, he would declare loudly, 'There's nothing to eat!'"
"I think it's time we women stopped carrying supplies for the entire family. If children don't have room to carry their own toys, if men don't have pockets in their pants, tougho."
"In the South Pacific, because of their size, mosquitoes are required to file flight plans."