"One thing leads to another? Not always. Sometimes one thing leads to the same thing. Ask an addict."
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Quote collection
George Carlin quotes (page 21 of 49)
976 quotes — follow a thought to its full quote page.
"Everybody in America is a part of this big herd of cattle being led to the marketplace, not to be sold, which is usual with cattle, but to do the buying. And everyone is branded. You see the brands - Nike, Puma, Coke - all over their bodies. Pretty soon you'll go to a family and say, "$100,000 if we can tattoo Pepsi on your child's forehead, and we'll have it removed when he's twenty-one. A hundred grand.""
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"I'll bet there aren't too many people hooked on crack who can play the bagpipes."
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"How come when it's us, it's an abortion, and when it's a chicken, it's an omelette? Are we so much better than chickens all of a sudden? When did this happen; that we passed chickens in goodness? Name six ways we're better than chickens. See, nobody can do it! You know why? 'Cause chickens are decent people."
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"When he got loaded, the human cannonball knew there were not many men of his caliber."
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"Eventually, alas, I realized the main purpose of buying cocaine is to run out of it."
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"I was never a pipe or bong man. That's California stuff. I was an Eastern roller."
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"The following statement is true. The previous statement is false."
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"The planet isn't going anywhere. We are."
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"The Human Species could have been great but instead we became satisfied with lights on our tennis shoes."
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"A lot of times when they catch a guy who killed twenty-seven people, they say, He was a loner. Well, of course he was a loner; he killed everyone he came in contact with."
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"God bless the homicidal maniacs. They make life worthwhile."
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"Weather forecast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning."
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"Have you ever noticed that the lawyer always smiles more than the client?"
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"Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?"
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"I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it."
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"If everything that ever lived is dead, and everything alive is gonna die...where does the sacred part come in?"
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"Meow” means “woof” in cat."
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"Can placebos cause side effects? If so, are the side effects real?"
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"Do you know the nicest thing about looking at pictures of a 1950's baseball park? The only people wearing baseball caps are the players."
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