Quote collection
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"The radio ad "Hi, I'm Jeff Healey from the Jeff Healey Band. Don't drink and drive. I don't". Well, I hope you don't drive sober either Mr. Healey. You're blind for God's sake!"
"Now, some people do this for shock value. Shock is just another uptown word for surprise. Granted it has a different quality to it, but a joke is about surprising someone. I'm a great believer in context. You can joke about anything. I do like finding out where the line is drawn, deliberately crossing it and bringing some of them with me across the line, and having them be happy that I did."
"There is a certain amount of righteous indignation I hold for the American culture, because to get back to the real root of it, to get broader about it, my opinion that is my species - and my culture in America specifically - have let me down and betrayed me. I think this species had great, great promise, with this great upper brain that we have, and I think we squandered it on God and Mammon. And I think this culture of ours has such promise, with the promise of real, true freedom, and then everyone has been shackled by ownership and possessions and acquisition and status and power."
"Anger is a handy term and words are tricky, as we know. What one man perceives as anger, another person - in my case the deliverer of material - is, "Don't you see it, don't you see how badly you're doing?" It's like shaking a child - which you're not supposed to do."
"Comedy, although it is not one of the fine arts - it's a vulgar art, it's one of the people's arts, it's the spoken word, the writing that goes into it is an art form - it's certainly artistry."
"And, of course, the funniest food of all, kumquats."
"And what can we do to silence these Christian athletes who thank Jesus whenever they win, never mention his name when they lose? Not a word. You never hear them say "Jesus made me drop the ball." "The good lord tripped me up behind the line of scrimmage." According to these guys Jesus is undefeated, meanwhile these assholes are in last place. Must be another one of those "miracles.""
"Hallucinogens are a value changer...like it or not, it changes your values, it opens up windows (doors of perception.)"
"I hate Dr Phil. Dr Phil told me to express my feelings, so I'm expressing them."
"If a lobster didn't look like a sci-fi monster, people would be less able to drop him alive into boiling water."
"There are two types of people: One strives to control his environment, the other strives not to let his environment control him. I like to control my environment."
"It's never just a game when you're winning."
"In the doggie dictionary, under "bow wow" it says, "See "arf arf."""
"I remember when I was a kid I used to come home from Sunday School and my mother would get drunk and try to make pancakes"
"Before they give you a lethal injection, they swab your arm with alcohol. It's true. Well, they don't want you to get an infection, and you can see their point. They don't want some guy go to hell and be sick."
"A dog has no shame. If he can do it, you can watch."
"We kind of shape our truths as we speak them. We fashion things to suit the occasion or the person or our own needs in the moment."
"Good news for senior citizens: Death is near!"
"Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did."
"Avoid people with gold teeth who want to play cards"