Quote collection
976 quotes — follow a thought to its full quote page.
"When it comes to bullshit, you have to stand in awe of the all-time champion of false promises and exaggerated claims: religion... Religion easily has the greatest bullshit story ever told. Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do."
"I'd go on runs [on cocaine ], four and five days without sleep. Then I'd crash and sleep about 18 hours a day for seven to ten days. Then it would take a few more weeks to get over a vague sort of depression. Then I'd be off on another run."
"I like Florida. Everything is in the 80s. The temperatures, the ages and the IQ's."
"Censorship that comes from the outside assumes about people an inability to make reasoned choices."
"You're all going to die. I hate to remind you, but it is on your schedule. It probably won't happen when you'd like; generally, it's an inconvenience."
"My first rule: I don't believe anything the government tells me."
"There are only two places in the world: over here and over there."
"Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?"
"Something is wrong. War, disease, death, destruction, hunger, filth, poverty, crime, torture, corruption and the ice capades. If this is the best God can do, I am not impressed. This is not what you expect to find on the resume of a supreme being. It's what you expect from an office temp with a bad attitude."
"Political discourse has been reduced to "Where's the beef?" "Read my lips," and "Make my day." Where are the assassins when we really need them?"
"If God didn't want you to masturbate, he would have given you short arms."
"So far, this is the oldest I've been."
"Why is it called 'after dark' when it really is 'after light'?"
"Some people think of the glass as half full. Some people think of the glass as half empty. I think of the glass as too big."
"How is it possible to have a civil war?"
"E-I-E-I-O is actually a gross misspelling of the word farm."
"All patriarchal societies are either preparing for war, at war, or recovering from war."
"Children are not our future, and I can prove it with my usual, flawless logic. Children can't be our future, because by the time the future arrives, they won't be children anymore, so blow me!"
"When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands."
"If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?"