"When my cats aren't happy, I'm not happy. Not because I care about their mood but because I know they're just sitting there thinking up ways to get even."
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Humorous quotes
Humorous
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Humorous quotes (page 2 of 81)
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"Don't play the saxophone. Let it play you."
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"To me, fast food is when a cheetah eats an antelope."
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"Why do they call it "rush hour" when nothing moves?"
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"An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile, hoping it will eat him last."
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"Each problem that I solved became a rule, which served afterwards to solve other problems."
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"I think; therefore I am."
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"I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance."
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"Sacred cows make the best hamburger."
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"One should die proudly when it is no longer possible to live proudly."
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"Wit is educated insolence."
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"...and the funny thing was that people who weren't entirely certain they were right always argued much louder than other people, as if the main person they were trying to convince were themselves."
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"Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain."
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"Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died."
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"The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and a lightning bug."
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"Good authors, too, who once knew better words now only use four-letter words writing prose... anything goes."
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"Pro and con are opposites, that fact is clearly seen. If progress means to move forward, then what does congress mean?"
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"But it is a melancholy of mine own, compounded of many simples, extracted from many objects, and indeed the sundry contemplation of my travels, which, by often rumination, wraps me in the most humorous sadness."
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"I quit therapy because my analyst was trying to help me behind my back."
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"A politician needs the ability to foretell what is going to happen tomorrow, next week, next month, and next year. And to have the ability afterwards to explain why it didn't happen."
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