"If we have to have a choice between being dead and pitied, and being alive with a bad image, we'd rather be alive and have the bad image."
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Humorous quotes
Humorous
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Humorous quotes (page 4 of 81)
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"I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me."
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"Ask your child what he wants for dinner only if he's buying."
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"The world is literally about to blow up."
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"Only in America, Rabbi Golden, do these peasants, our mothers, get their hair dyed platinum at the age of sixty, and walk up and down Collins Avenue in Florida in pedalpushers and mink stoles - and with opinions on every subject under the sun. It isn't their fault they were given a gift like speech - look, if cows could talk, they would say things just as idiotic."
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"I am not a glutton - I am an explorer of food"
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"After a truly good meal, an outstanding cigar is still the most satisfying after-dinner activity that doesn't involve two human beings."
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"If you can't tell a spoon from a ladle, then you're fat!"
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"The great pleasure of a dog is that you may make a fool of yourself with him and not only will he not scold you, but he will make a fool of himself too."
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"Of all the animals, the boy is the most unmanageable."
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"You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax - tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough."
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"They are born, put in a box; they go home to live in a box; they study by ticking boxes; they go to what is called "work" in a box, where they sit in their cubicle box; they drive to the grocery store in a box to buy food in a box; they talk about thinking "outside the box"; and when they die they are put in a box."
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"If it's the Psychic Network why do they need a phone number?"
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"What doesn't kill you makes you smaller"
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"What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream?"
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"The trouble with this country is that there are too many people going about saying, "The trouble with this country is....""
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"I don't kill flies but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above globes. They freak out and yell, 'Whoa, I'm way too high!'"
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"The advertisement is the most truthful part of a newspaper."
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"Give me a museum and I'll fill it."
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"One of the first sights that shocked me, when I came to Israel in 1921, was an Arab turning over a field with a very primitive plow; pulling the plow were an ox and a woman. Now, if it means that we have destroyed this romantic picture by bringing in tractors, combines, and threshing machines, this is true: we have."
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