"I favor the Civil Rights Act of 1964 and it must be enforced at gunpoint if necessary."
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Humorous quotes
Humorous
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Humorous quotes (page 24 of 81)
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"Eighty percent of air pollution comes from plants and trees."
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"If it's free, it's advice; if you pay for it, it's counseling; if you can use either one, it's a miracle."
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"When I was young I used to read about the decline of Western civilization, and I decided it was something I would like to make a contribution to."
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"McDonald's breakfast for under a dollar is actually more expensive than that. You have to factor in the cost of bypass surgery."
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"I'm tired of hearing about innocent victims. It's fiction, If you live on this planet you're guilty, period, f*** you, next case, end of report. Your birth certificate is proof of guilt."
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"We're not supposed to mention f***ing in mixed company, but that's exactly where it takes place."
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"The surgeon general warned today that saliva causes stomach cancer. But apparently only when swallowed in small amounts over a long period of time."
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"Cigarette companies market heavily to young people. They need young customers because their product kills the older ones. It is the only product that, if used as intended, kills the consumer."
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""Fussy eater" is a euphemism for "big pain in the ass.""
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"I should think it takes a fairly low intellect to draw pleasure from the following activity: hitting a ball with a crooked stick. and then walking after it! An then ..hitting it again!"
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"Our civilization has decided that determining the guilt or innocence of men is a thing too important to be trusted to trained men. When it wants a library catalogued, or the solar system discovered, or any trifle of that kind, it uses up its specialists. But when it wishes anything done which is really serious, it collects twelve of the ordinary men standing round. The same thing was done, if I remember right, by the Founder of Christianity."
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"We worship not the Graces, nor the Parcae, but Fashion. She spins and weaves and cuts with full authority. The head monkey at Paris puts on a traveler's cap, and all the monkeys in America do the same."
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"... an experienced, industrious, ambitious, and often quite often picturesque liar."
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"The house was as empty as a beer closet in premises where painters have been at work."
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"The humorous story is told gravely; the teller does his best to conceal the fact that he even dimly suspects that there is anything funny about it."
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"The humorous writer professes to awaken and direct your love, your pity, your kindness--your scorn for untruth, pretension, imposture....He takes upon himself to be the week-day preacher."
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"I have never heard enough classical music to be able to enjoy it; & the simple truth is, I detest it. Not mildly, but will all my heart. To me an opera is the very climax & cap-stone of the absurd, the fantastic the unjustifiable. I hate the very name of opera - partly because of the nights of suffering I have endured in its presence, & partly because I want to love it and can't."
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"I have attended operas, whenever I could not help it, for fourteen years now; I am sure I know of no agony comparable to the listening to an unfamiliar opera."
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"...there isn't often anything in Wagner opera that one would call by such a violent name as acting."
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