Humorous quotes
1.6K quotes on this topic — from poets, philosophers, and thinkers across history.
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"""Dear girl," continued Bob advancing with an imbecile grin upon his countenance, which he imagined no doubt to be a seductive smile, "fly with me! Be mine! Share with me the wild free life of a barrister! Say that you return the love which consumes my heart - oh, say it!" Here Bob put his hand over a hole in his waistcoat and struck a dramatic attitude."
"Humor is a drug which it's the fashion to abuse."
"Aim low, reach your goals, and avoid disappointment."
"The predicament of a person in a restaurant who is unable to determine his or her designated restroom (e.g., turtles and tortoises)."
"Now you can't even carry a nail clipper on a plane. Are they afraid you're going to go..."All right! Give me the plane or the b*tch loses her cuticle." ?"
"It is considered in England and the United States that the Government of South Africa is altogether too harsh with its native peoples. It is sadly humorous to notice that the native in South Africa, however, holds an exactly reverse opinion and the fault he finds with the South African Government is that it is far too lenient in its administration of laws throughout the native populace."
"I don't mind flying. I always pass out before the plane leaves the ground."
"In TV today, you can say I pricked my finger, but you can't say it the other way around."
"I've never been quarantined. But the more I look around the more I think it might not be a bad idea."
"One of the first things they teach you in Driver's Ed is where to put your hands on the steering wheel. They tell you put 'em at ten o'clock and two o' clock. Never mind that . I put mine at 9:45 and 2:17. Gives me an extra half hour to get where I'm goin'."
"When you look at the average American you realize there's nothing nature enjoys more than a good joke."
"If the reason for climbing Mt. Everest is that it's hard to do, why does everyone go up the easy side?"
"Christian Deodorant: "Thou Shalt Not Smell""
"Give now. Somewhere, someone feels crappy. You can help."
"All geniuses die young."
"With the possible exception of clothes, beauty salons and Frank Sinatra, there are few subjects all women agree upon."
"The first part of the party of the first part shall be known in this contract as the first part of the party of the first part shall be known in this contract-- Look, why should we quarrel about a thing like this? We'll take it right out, eh?"
"Even the intellectual crowd will have none of me. Physically, I look like one of them. Graying at the temples, I walk with a slight limp and wear thick glasses."
"The Woman had once been supreme; in France she still seemed potent, not merely as a sentiment but as a force; why was she unknownin America? for evidently America was ashamed of her, and she was ashamed of herself, otherwise they would not have strewn fig-leaves so profusely all over her. When she was a true force, she was ignorant of fig-leaves, but the monthly-magazine-made American female had not a feature that would have been recognized by Adam. The trait was notorious, and often humorous, but anyone brought up among Puritans knew that sex was sin. In any previous age, sex was strength."
""Write that down," the King said to the jury, and the jury eagerly wrote down all three dates on their slates, and then added them up, and reduced the answer to shillings and pence."
