"I know I'd be an absolutely horrendous politician."
Read quote
5 likes
Quote collection
John Oliver quotes (page 5 of 7)
125 quotes — follow a thought to its full quote page.
"There is no greater anesthetic than sport."
Read quote
5 likes
"If you vote for Democrats, you might as well give Al Quaeda a death ray and a manual."
Read quote
5 likes
"There's never any time I think I'm a real journalist, because I don't have any of the qualifications or the intentions for that."
Read quote
5 likes
"I'm British; pessimism is my wheelhouse."
Read quote
5 likes
"Everybody should care about facts. That is something all of us should agree on."
Read quote
5 likes
"I guess the tone of jokes is often, at best, irreverent, but it always comes from a place of deep love."
Read quote
4 likes
"I would much rather America was a more stable, wonderful place. You know, I love it."
Read quote
4 likes
"Veterans' issues are quite close to my heart. I find it quite hard to talk about, actually."
Read quote
4 likes
"I care about facts the way I care about oxygen and imbibing enough water a day to live."
Read quote
3 likes
"I've made so many people angry that they kind of blur into one unpleasant memory of people staring at you with somewhere between passive aggression and active aggression."
Read quote
3 likes
"Americans just don't understand dry wit."
Read quote
3 likes
"If your name is Sepp, at the bare minimum you’ve strangled someone in a bar fight."
Read quote
3 likes
"When you do stand-up, you're just concerned with trying to leave with some semblance of human dignity at the end of your performance."
Read quote
3 likes
"There are so many low points with stand-up. You are perpetually humiliated, so it doesn't really matter anymore. I don't have any dignity left to lose. An audience can’t hurt you anymore when you’ve been completely dismantled."
Read quote
3 likes
"Armando Iannucci is one of my heroes. As I was growing up, he was probably the most influential comic voice that I had."
Read quote
3 likes
"I knew I was going to go into the field and make fun of people to their faces. I knew what I was getting into."
Read quote
3 likes
"British people would die for their right to drink themselves to death."
Read quote
3 likes
"Stand-up comedy seems like a terrifying thing. Objectively. Before anyone has done it, it seems like one of the most frightening things you could conceive, and there's just no shortcut - you just have to do it."
Read quote
3 likes
"I wanted to be a soccer player. I knew that couldn't happen."
Read quote
3 likes