Quote collection
142 quotes — follow a thought to its full quote page.
"Never continue in a job you don't enjoy. If you're happy in what you're doing, you'll like yourself, you'll have inner peace. And if you have that, along with physical health, you will have had more success than you could possibly have imagined."
"Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often."
"When a comic becomes enamored with his own views and foists them off on the public in a polemic way, he loses not only his sense of humor but his value as a humorist."
"I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself."
"Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing to die."
"Talent alone won't make you a success. Neither will being in the right place at the right time, unless you are ready. The most important question is: 'Are your ready?'"
"Never use a big word when a little filthy one will do."
"Democracy is buying a big house you can't afford with money you don't have to impress people you wish were dead."
"Some sad news from Australia... the inventor of the boomerang grenade died today."
"The price of Christmas toys is outrageous - a hundred dollars, two hundred dollars for video games for the youngsters. I remember a Christmas years ago when my son was a kid. I bought him a tank. It was about a hundred dollars, a lot of money in those days. It was the kind of tank you could actually get inside and ride in. He played in the box it came in. It taught me a very valuable lesson. Next year he got a box. And I got a hundred dollars' worth of scotch."
"Despite the fact that computer speeds are measured in nanoseconds and picoseconds - one billionth and one trillionth of a second, respectively - the smallest interval of time known to man is that which occurs in Manhattan between the traffic signal turning green and the taxi driver behind you blowing his horn."
"Happiness is having a rare steak, a bottle of whiskey, and a dog to eat the rare steak."
"Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas."
"I'm often asked, "What is your favorite moment during the 30 years you hosted [The Tonight Show]?" I really don't have just one. The times I enjoyed the most were the spontaneous, unplanned segments that just happened, like Ed Ames' infamous "Tomahawk Toss" that produced one of the longest laughs in television history. When these lucky moments happen, you just go with them and enjoy the experience and high of the moment."
"If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam."
"Never ask your wife if she still hears from her old pimp."
"Happiness is your dentist telling you it won't hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill."
"For days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow, but phone calls taper off."
"I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing."
"Happiness is discovering the prune juice your doctor ordered you to drink has fermented."