"The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other."
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Quote collection
Johnny Carson quotes (page 2 of 8)
142 quotes — follow a thought to its full quote page.
"Happiness is.....finding two olives in your martini when youre hungry."
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"Last night, it was so cold, the flashers in New York were only describing themselves."
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"If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead."
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"Happiness is seeing your son drafted the same day he's been accepted to an expensive college."
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"When turkeys mate they think of swans."
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"My success just evolved from working hard at the business at hand each day."
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"I loved the towns I grew up in as a boy, and after I became a celebrity, I went back several times. I would have had the time of my life seeing the old places and the old faces again, but the attitude of those same people was, "I guess you're so big we bore you now.""
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"Americans, too many of them, take themselves too seriously. You're going to get rapped - by the viewers, by the sponsors and by the network brass - if you joke about doctors, lawyers, dentists, scientists, bus drivers, I don't care who. You can't make a joke about Catholics, Negroes, Jews, Italians, politicians, dogs or cats. In fact, politicians, dogs and cats are the most sacred institutions in America."
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"Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn't grow up can be vice president."
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"If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners."
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"Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place."
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"In Hollywood if you don't have a shrink, people think you're crazy."
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"George Burns has been on my show twenty or thirty times, or maybe more. How can you turn down a guy that age?"
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"Did you know Richard Nixon is the only president whose formal portrait was painted by a police sketch artist?"
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"Happiness is being stuck in an elevator and discovering the ravishing blonde with you is a liquor salesman with a case of samples."
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"According to statistics, it's a lot easier to get hit by lightning than to win a Lotto jackpot. The good side: you don't hear from your relatives."
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"May you have the income of a Republican and the sex life of a Democrat!"
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"Happiness is sitting down to watch some slides of your neighbor's vacation and finding out that he spent two weeks in a nudist colony."
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"We resort, frankly, to pies, which is a comedy staple that's gone back, I guess, to since the first pie was ever baked."
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