“Important people are much more interesting when they are drunk and seem much more like human beings.”
Funny feeling
Funny Quotes — page 180 of 1263
“You know nothing, Jon Snow”
“They hate kings, they hate priests, they hate soldiers, they hate sailors. They distrust men of science, they denounce the middle classes, they despair of working men, but they adore humanity. Only they always speak of humanity as if it were a curious foreign nation. They are dividing themselves more and more from men to exalt the strange race of mankind. They are ceasing to be human in the effort to be humane.”
“Lying in bed would be an altogether perfect and supreme experience if only one had a colored pencil long enough to draw on the ceiling.”
“I know the police cause you trouble They cause trouble everywhere But when you die and go to Heaven You'll find no policemen there.”
“If income tax is the price you have to pay to keep the government on its feet, alimony is the price we have to pay for sweeping a woman off hers.”
“Adam's first domestic pet after the expulsion from Paradise was the serpent.”
“How vain it is to sit down to write when you have not stood up to live.”
“My favorite health club is the International House of Pancakes”
“There are two types of actors: those who say they don't want to be famous and those who are liars.”
“The things we laugh at are awful while they are going on, but get funny when we look back. And other people laugh because they've been through it too. The closest thing to humor is tragedy.”
“Assuming that we have trained our imagination to denounce the past, we will not suffer much from unfulfilled wishes.”
“There are only two types of speakers in the world. 1. The nervous and 2. Liars.”
“Explaining humor is a lot like dissecting a frog, you learn a lot in the process, but in the end you kill it.”
“The history of our race, and each individual’s experience, are sown thick with evidence that a truth is not hard to kill and that a lie told well is immortal.”
“Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.”
“July 4. Statistics show that we lose more fools on this day than in all the other days of the year put together. This proves, by the number left in stock, that one fourth of July per year is now inadequate, the country has grown so”
“True irreverence is disrespect for another man's god.”
“In Marseilles they make half the toilet soap we consume in America, but the Marseillaise only have a vague theoretical idea of its use, which they have obtained from books of travel.”
“If you make customers unhappy in the physical world, they might each tell 6 friends. If you make customers unhappy on the Internet, they can each tell 6,000 friends.”