“The downfall of most diets is that they restrict your intake of food.”
Funny feeling
Funny Quotes — page 179 of 1263
“She's got feet like boats, whiskers like an American, and her undies are filthy.”
“One should always dress like a marble column.”
“If people recognize me when I'm out in public, I'm very nice to them. I'm very nice to people even when they don't recognize me. I don't even mind if people come up to me while I'm eating dinner, but if they recognize me while I'm having sex, I refuse to sign autographs.”
“I got caught kissing. Like by my parents. It was so horrible. It's so embarrassing, I'm blushing.”
“I wasn't very funny or flashy, I was kind of boring.”
“And it's easy to stay grounded. The ground is very close. And we walk on it every day.”
“Snooki is a bestselling author? Huh? What? I don't know if I should dumb down my book, shoot myself or find a publisher who'll settle for a rough draft written on a Pop-Tart and a coconut lotion handie.”
“People pay for what they do, and still more for what they have allowed themselves to become, and they pay for it, very simply, by the lives they lead.”
“Better never than late.”
“If you eliminate smoking and gambling, you will be amazed to find that almost all an Englishman's pleasures can be, and mostly are, shared by his dog.”
“Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?”
“If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?”
“People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think.”
“If no one knows when a person is going to die, how can we say he died prematurely?”
“If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted?”
“When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?”
“If it sells, it's art.”
“The physician can bury his mistakes, but the architect can only advise his client to plant vines - so they should go as far as possible from home to build their first buildings.”
“You can spend your whole life trying to be popular, but at the end of the day, the size of the crowd at your funeral will be largely dictated by the weather.”