“Neutrinos have mass? i didn't even know they're Catholic!" Robert to Vittoria”
Funny feeling
Funny Quotes — page 69 of 1263
“Whatever it is probably won't go away, so we might as well live and laugh through it. When we double over laughing, we're bending so we won't break. If you think your particular troubles are too heavy and too traumatic to laugh about, remember that laughing is like changing a baby's diaper. It doesn't solve any problems permanently, but it makes things more acceptable for awhile.”
“Never have more children than you have car windows.”
“The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.”
“Nobody else even approaches the trumpet like [Sweets Edison] does: Never too much and always plenty. He's the greatest trumpet player to play along with singers. He exactly knows how to play with you, how to answer you about what you just sang ... On top of that, he has some great sense of humor, both as a musician and as a man. Every time I see him, I'm laughing so much. Sweets is impeccable and incomparable.”
“What did the 5 fingers say to the face. S L A P!”
“Do not debate! is one of my inventions.”
“Drinking is an emotional thing. It joggles you out of the standardism of everyday life, out of everything being the same. It yanks you out of your body and your mind and throws you against the wall. I have the feeling that drinking is a form of suicide where you're allowed to return to life and begin all over the next day. It's like killing yourself, and then you're reborn. I guess I've lived about ten or fifteen thousand lives now.”
“Bad taste creates many more millionaires than good taste.”
“Music produces a kind of pleasure which human nature cannot do without.”
“Where I live in Oklahoma, it's all ranchers. My friends are all cowboys and pretty rough guys. If I had a hot tub back there, I may as well have Richard Simmons come over and live with me.”
“The dog is very smart. He feels sorry for me because I receive so much mail; that's why he tries to bite the mailman.”
“I love sushi. But after too much of it, it just starts to taste like a dead animal that hasn't been cooked.”
“Well, between Scotch and nothin', I suppose I'd take Scotch. It's the nearest thing to good moonshine I can find.”
“There are some things for which three words are three too many, and three thousand words that many words too less.”
“Christopher Columbus was the first socialist: he didn't know where he was going, he didn?t know where he was? and he did it all at taxpayers expense.”
“I once stole a pornographic book that was printed in braille. I used to rub the dirty parts.”
“You're not allowed to call them dinosaurs any more," said Yo-less. "It's speciesist. You have to call them pre-petroleum persons.”
“Ninety feet between home plate and first base may be the closest man has ever come to perfection.”
“Well, I'm about as tall as a shotgun, and just as noisy.”