“This rudeness is a sauce to his good wit, Which gives men stomach to digest his words With better appetite.”
Funny feeling
Funny Quotes — page 68 of 1263
“A friend is a person who goes around saying nice things about you behind your back.”
“If you trust in yourself. . .and believe in your dreams. . .and follow your star. . . you'll still get beaten by people who spent their time working hard and learning things and weren't so lazy.”
“Racism was not a problem on the Discworld, because - what with trolls and dwarfs and so on - speciesism was more interesting. Black and white lived in perfect harmony and ganged up on green.”
“Foolish men imagine that because judgment for an evil thing is delayed, there is no justice; but only accident here below. Judgment for an evil thing is many times delayed some day or two, some century or two, but it is sure as life, it is sure as death.”
“For people to judge a man's worth and his very manhood according to the way he feels about sport, and not to recognize it for the piddly, inconsequential goings on that it really is.”
“Fred and George turned to each other and said together, “Wow — we’re identical!”
“Don't let the muggles get you down.”
“Life's just a merry-go-round. Come on up. You might get a brass ring.”
“Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.”
“I am not a demon. I am a lizard, a shark, a heat-seeking panther. I want to be Bob Denver on acid playing the accordion.”
“Jesus promised his disciples three things—that they would be completely fearless, absurdly happy, and in constant trouble.”
“The four most beautiful words in our common language: I told you so.”
“I'm a little hoarse tonight. I've been living in Chicago for the past two months, and you know how it is, yelling for help on the way home every night. Things are so tough in Chicago that at Easter time, for bunnies the little kids use porcupines.”
“Nothing spoils a good story like the arrival of an eyewitness.”
“Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.”
“So geographers, in Africa maps, With savage pictures fill their gaps, And o'er uninhabitable downs Place elephants for want of towns”
“I don't trust anyone who doesn't laugh.”
“Mansell can see him in his earphone.”
“Behold then Septimus Dodge returning to Dodge-town victorious. Not crowned with laurel, it is true, but wreathed in lists of things he has seen and sucked dry. Seen and sucked dry, you know: Venus de Milo, the Rhine or the Coliseum: swallowed like so many clams, and left the shells.”