“Electricity can be dangerous. My nephew tried to stick a penny into a plug. Whoever said a penny doesn't go far didn't see him shoot across that floor. I told him he was grounded.”
Funny feeling
Funny Quotes — page 70 of 1263
“Life is not accumulation, it is about contribution.”
“When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'”
“always remember your unique, just like everone else”
“If a tax hike makes it to my desk, I'll veto it in less time than it takes Vanna White to turn the letters V-E-T-O!”
“Kill one, terrify a thousand.”
“Playing polo is like trying to play golf during an earthquake.”
“Rambo isn't violent. I see Rambo as a philanthropist.”
“When the remedy you have offered only increases the disease, then leave him who will not be cured, and tell your story to someone who seeks the truth.”
“Tilting at windmills hurts you more than the windmills.”
“Always be a little unexpected.”
“The labour party is like a stage-coach. If you rattle along at great speed everybody inside is too exhilarated or too seasick to cause any trouble. But if you stop everybody gets out and argues about where to go next.”
“The tongue like a sharp knife ... Kills without drawing blood.”
“Cock your hat - angles are attitudes.”
“Dare to wear the foolish clown face.”
“In laughter we always find an unavowed intention to humiliate and consequently to correct our neighbour.”
“Will you marry me? Do you have any money? Answer the second question first.”
“The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion.”
“I'm often asked, "What is your favorite moment during the 30 years you hosted [The Tonight Show]?" I really don't have just one. The times I enjoyed the most were the spontaneous, unplanned segments that just happened, like Ed Ames' infamous "Tomahawk Toss" that produced one of the longest laughs in television history. When these lucky moments happen, you just go with them and enjoy the experience and high of the moment.”
“Folk whose own behavior is most ridiculous are always to the fore in slandering others.”