"The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese"
"I have a quantum car. Every time I look at the speedometer I get lost."
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Source: Steven Wright Offers Pony Rides. Interview with Jon Chattman, www.huffingtonpost.com. June 26, 2009.
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"To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research."
"If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?"
"I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
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