"The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese"
"I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like I'm in a submarine that's been hit ."
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Source: I Have A Pony. Comedy album by Steven Wright, 1985.
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"You can't have everything. Where would you put it?"
"To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research."
"If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?"
"I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
"A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths."