"The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese"
"I turned my air conditioner the other way around and it got cold out. The weatherman said 'I don't understand it. It was supposed to be 80 degrees out today.' I said, oops"
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Source: When the Leaves Blow Away. Documentary, Comedy, 2006.
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More quotes by Steven Wright
"You can't have everything. Where would you put it?"
"To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research."
"If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?"
"I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
"A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths."