"The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese"
"I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept locking the keys in the plane. They caught me on an 80 foot stepladder with a coat hanger."
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Source: I Have a Pony. Live album by Steven Wright, track 09, 1985.
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"To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research."
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"I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
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