Quote collection
334 quotes — follow a thought to its full quote page.
"My goals were small. My goal was to become a big enough stand-up that I wouldn't have to do radio. I could sell out a club, which is like 300 seats. If I got big enough, I could sell before I got there, and I wouldn't have to get up at 6 in the morning to do radio. That was pretty much the dream. I had no idea I'd be playing Madison Square Garden or anything."
"You know those guys that go to the strip club at the daytime? If you're at a strip club, and the sun is out, you got some problems!"
"When you're white, the sky's the limit. When you're black, the limit's the sky."
"If you see a black woman with an overweight white man, you know she got effed up credit!"
"All you crazy white people "I'm American!", all you did was come out of your mother's pussy on American soil. That's it. That's it! What, you think you're better than somebody from France 'cause you came out of a pussy in Detroit?"
"Stand-up comedy is like the lowest medium in all of show business in levels of respect."
"Men are handicapped when it comes to arguing, 'cause we have a need to make sense."
"Whoever you hate will end up in your family. You don't like gays? You're gonna have a gay son. You don't like Puerto Ricans? Your daughter's gonna come home with Livin' La Vida Loca!"
"Nobody really wants to be a stand-up, they want to get on TV."
"I've been married for 10 years and, you know, it's hard, you spruce it up and you go places. How do you spruce up anything? Artificially. You go places and do things."
"George Bush hates midgets."
"Dude, I didn't say Jude Law can't act. I didn't say Jude Law was in bad movies. I just said he's in every movie."
"You want to track Hollywood careers, look in the real estate section. You see a guy buy a house that costs $6 million, and you can literally start counting the days until he starts doing crappy movies."
"I always say about my daughters, they save me from my miserable self. They take me out, you know, a comedian, you could live in your head a lot. And you're writing and you're doubting. But when I'm with my kids and my family, it's all about them."
"I like the tradition of the Oscars. I like that some of the greatest comedians ever have hosted the show."
"You won’t be able to take your eyes off the next four presenters: Salma Hayek and Penelope Cruz."
"I'll probably pay more attention to the musicians in the pit than the stars because they're the closest you're going to get to normal people in the audience."
"Here's what I knew about doing a play: I knew it would make me a better actor."
"There are a lot of good comics, no doubt, but as far as the quality of the comics goes, I think what you have is a bunch of situational comics - there are black comics that work only black crowds, gay comics that do only gay crowds, and southern comics that only work down South, and so on with Asian, Latino, Indian, midgets, etc. The previous generation's comics were better because they had to make everybody laugh."
"You're not famous unless people's mothers know who you are. Everybody else, you think you're famous, but you're just hot, and heat cools off."