Quote collection
334 quotes — follow a thought to its full quote page.
"See... Relationships are hard, man. For order, for any relationship to work, both people have to be on the same page, both people have to have the same focus, and we all know what that page is. We all know what that focus is. In order for the relationship to work both people have to have the same focus, and what's that focus? That focus is all about HER! It's all about her!"
"Men do not settle down. Men surrender."
"America is the only place where people go hunting on a full stomach."
"You know you're rich when you have to drive for a half hour to get to your house once you're on your property."
"Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool."
"I can see the humor in just about any situation. After I lost my dad, I realized that none of us should take things too seriously, because everything except death works itself out."
"The only plan I have is to not do anything I don't want to do - and to never work just for money."
"I love black people, but I hate niggers."
"I don't write jokes first. I write down topics. I think of what I want to talk about, and then I write the jokes - they don't write me... And even if you don't think it's funny, you won't think it's boring. You might disagree, but you'll listen. And maybe even laugh as you disagree."
"The thing I try to get across to the writers - and I do a lot of writing, too - is that when I do stand-up, nothing I talk about is funny. Everything is really sad and tragic and then I make it funny."
"People want what they want. And I guess that is a reason we have this big credit card problem and a lot of these foreclosures."
"I just remember that whenever I got really mad or passionate, like in an argument, people would laugh, and I'd be dead serious. It would happen a lot. So it was like, Gee, I've got something here."
"The thing that surprised me the most is just how much money women that weren't rich were paying for their hair. When you're in a beauty parlor in Harlem next to abandoned buildings and somebody's paying five grand for a weave, that's a bit much. I think this is, in a weird way, part of the health care debate. It's like, hmm, there's people with $2000 weaves that could have bought health care with that weave money."
"You know what GED stands for? Good Enough Diploma."
"I took my AlDS test. You start reflecting... You start thinking about every nasty, skank-ass... It's like the movie Scrooge, and the Ghost of Pussy Past comes."
"A comedy club is a place where you work out material, you're trying material."
"I love having somebody there - that companion thing. You know who you're going to eat with, who you're going to see a movie with."
"That's a sure sign someone is going crazy - when he refers to himself in the third person, talks in low tones, and walks around wearing shades all day!"
"They don't want you to vote. If they did, we wouldn't vote on a Tuesday. In November. You ever throw a party on a Tuesday? No. Because nobody would come."
"A black Christian is like a black person with no memory."