"In the midst of all the candy and commercialism, let's not lose sight of the true meaning of Halloween: tree worship and animal sacrifice."
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Quote collection
Dana Gould quotes (page 2 of 13)
260 quotes — follow a thought to its full quote page.
"Does anyone remember how we used to get cash before ATM's? Did we have to go inside the bank? Then what? We lived like apes!"
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"You rarely get a convincing lecture on playing to your strength from a bald guy with a ponytail."
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"Because of Bluetooth headsets, it's getting more and more difficult to tell who's schizophrenic and who's on a conference call."
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"Cotton candy. Like eating a cloud of diabetes."
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"This is just a hunch, but I bet airplanes think helicopters are assholes."
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"Showing joy by jumping up and down and clapping goes away at some point between pre-school and being old enough to go to orgies."
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"59% of all suicides are actually botched murder-suicides performed by dyslexics."
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"The hole on the face of an acoustic guitar is called the sound hole. The one of the face of its player is called the sincerity hole."
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"If you gave a bag of potato chips to the guy who invented Pringles, he'd look at you like you were trying to hand him an abortion."
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"My life is just like Breaking Bad except instead of a chemistry teacher I'm just a guy and instead of making meth I don't do much."
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"Take away the robots and the special effects, and Star Wars is just the simple story of a group of friends planning a terrorist attack."
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"I feel very uncomfortable when I eat in restaurants. I'm obnoxiously polite with the waiters: 'I just want a tuna sandwich. I'll go get it. You sit here - I'll get it, I'll make it."
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"When all the people covered in tattoos turn about 70 years old, they're going to look like a strange race of melting clowns."
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"What if you went to Hell, and it was exactly what you thought it would be: just a cave with fire? And the devil really was this idiot in a red leotard with a pitchfork?"
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"The more women walk around in sweat pants, the harder it is to tell who's out jogging and who's running away from a mugger."
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"There is no fast, easy shortcut for the word abbreviation."
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"I don't mind being alone when I'm surrounded by people, I just hate being alone when I'm alone."
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"Somewhere, there's someone who's masturbation ritual ends with them setting up ventriloquist dummies facing the bed. I mean, someone else."
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"Whoever coined the phrase, killing two birds with one stone, not only hated birds but also thought we needed to conserve stones."
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