"It would be interesting if Elvis were reincarnated as an Elvis impersonator."
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Quote collection
Demetri Martin quotes (page 10 of 25)
494 quotes — follow a thought to its full quote page.
"I was in my friends garage, and he had; a kite, a yo-yo, and a boomerang. I was like "Dude, you have abandonment issues""
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"Let no man's deathbed be a futon."
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"I like people, for a little while."
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"The comedians I liked were Bill Cosby and Steven Wright, like just always as a comedic actor. I always liked Gary Larson, who's really funny for a cartoonist, obviously."
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"Another thing that I like and that's fun for me is to try and talk and play music at the same time, because I feel like I'm learning something. There are these little challenges built into it; it's a way to push myself a little bit more as a performer."
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"Use crazy glue and nails to turn a rocking chair into just a chair that looks like a rocking chair."
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"It feels like every day or two, people on Twitter and the Internet are outraged about something."
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"I know about Woodstock probably as much as your average person who is over 30, where I'd know Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Grateful Dead."
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"People and squirrels are very different. Most people will not argue that. But I find that there is one situation in which they're very similar. And that is: when I am driving towards them in my car. Then they're kind of hard to tell apart - especially if the human is kind of hairy."
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"Coffee is like a bra. 3 cups is one too many."
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"There is probably more invisible tape out there than we realize."
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"My credit card company says I have an outstanding balance. I'm flattered."
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"I never went bungee jumping. The closest I did was I was born."
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"The shortest distance between two idiots is a conga line."
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"For some reason cowboy sounds better than cowman."
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"One thing I learned is that it's never OK to walk through a cemetery dressed as a mummy - even if that was a shortcut on the way to the costume party."
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"You never forget your first kiss. And that's what makes it so hard to forgive my uncle."
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"I like to go to concerts because I love to see my favorite band through the phone of the asshole who's standing in front of me."
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"I think the best thing about being dumb is that it makes magic a lot better. Where the hell did that rat come from? I dunno, but I'm calling the cops because he just cut that lady in half."
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