"I was watching MTV and there were girls dancing in suspended cages. That would be an ambivalent situation: "I'm trapped! ...but enjoying the music"."
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Quote collection
Demetri Martin quotes (page 18 of 25)
494 quotes — follow a thought to its full quote page.
"I like when people wear a WWJD bracelet, because it's like an example of the first thing Jesus wouldn't do, probably."
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"I don't want to be my own boss. I want to be my own colleague."
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"The difference between a child's toy and an adult toy is: location, location, location."
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"It's Thursday and it really feels like a Thursday. Sometimes things just work out."
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"I've heard of many chocoholics, but I ain't never seen no "chocohol". We got an epidemic, people: people who like chocolate but don't understand word endings. They're probably "over-workaholled"."
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"You mock those who blindly follow the majority...turn your attention now to those who are so dedicated to deviating from the norm that they would gladly cease breathing if it were suggested to them that inhalation was a form of conformity; for they deserve just as much scrutiny and ridicule."
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"I wish my name started with a comma. That would be so dramatic."
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"If you are trying to impress a woman, leave any sort of show farting out of the equation."
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"I saw a transvestite wearing a T-shirt that said 'Guess'."
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"Vampires probably don't have great breath."
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"I went to law school. I found it interesting for the first three weeks."
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"It's hard to know what's gay in life. Boxing. That's two men fighting over a belt."
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"I want to commit a crime during a reenactment, and turn it into an enactment."
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"To get strangers to hate you even faster, crank up the volume on that very interesting ringtone of yours."
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"I was stuck in traffic and I looked in the mirror and in the car behind me there was a couple having a horrible argument and right below their image it said "Objects In Mirror Are Closer Than They Appear". I just thought, man I hope so because she was pretty mad."
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"I think it would be frustrating to be a match maker. "What do you do?" "I'm a match maker" "Aw, that's really romantic" "No, umm... I actually... never mind""
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"When I first heard the term 'training bra,' I was freaked out. I was pretty young and I said, 'Did you just say training bra? They're training their chests? I had no idea.' See some lady, her boobs are everywhere. 'What's her deal?' Those are untrained titties."
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"Your mind is like a sponge, in the sense that it would come in handy when cleaning off a countertop or something like that."
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"To me, comedy is a game."
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