"Cottonballs are an example of something I'd want to buy, but not have as a nickname."
Read quote
3 likes
Quote collection
Demetri Martin quotes (page 17 of 25)
494 quotes — follow a thought to its full quote page.
"I was eating some candy and looked on the wrapper, and it said made from natural and artificial flavors. You could just say flavors."
Read quote
3 likes
"When someone shows you a picture of their kids what they don't want to hear is Oh, yeah, I got pictures of your kid too."
Read quote
3 likes
"I have a jar at home, and I put pennies in it whenever I curse. The other day I spilled the jar. I owe it about $25."
Read quote
3 likes
"The boomerang is Australia's chief export (and then import)."
Read quote
3 likes
"A cool tattoo design is any drawing that would also look good saggy."
Read quote
3 likes
"Don't talk to strangers. Sure, unless you want to meet anyone ever."
Read quote
3 likes
"Americans who do not celebrate Independence Day: pets."
Read quote
3 likes
"I think a bad place for a fire would be the factory where they make those trick candles."
Read quote
3 likes
"The thing about glitter is if you get it on you, be prepared to have it on you forever. Because glitter doesn't go away. Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies."
Read quote
3 likes
"Skeet shooting is probably more satisfying if you really hate skeets."
Read quote
3 likes
"I have an air mattress. It's great because if someone tries to suffocate me in bed I can just poke a hole in it and use it to stay alive."
Read quote
3 likes
"I've never read an article of clothing."
Read quote
3 likes
"Sometimes I feel like I'm being watched, but then I remember that my show was canceled three years ago."
Read quote
3 likes
"A good name for a gang would be The Uneducated Idiot Tough Guys."
Read quote
3 likes
"I believe in empathy. When religion provides that for people, it's the best thing in the world."
Read quote
3 likes
"Why are there not positive mysteries? It's always who stole the diamond, or who killed the butler? How about... who made cookies, somebody cleaned my room."
Read quote
3 likes
"I want to launch a globe into space just to mess with the astronauts."
Read quote
3 likes
"When I was in high school I experimented sexually. The experiment was to never have sex with anybody no matter how hard I tried. Success! Hypothesis confirmed."
Read quote
3 likes
"As soon as I jumped out of the airplane, I realized I had forgotten my parachute. Thank God we were still on the runway."
Read quote
3 likes