"I just found out that I have more allies than America!"
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Quote collection
Demetri Martin quotes (page 19 of 25)
494 quotes — follow a thought to its full quote page.
"We do not allow dwarf tossing. If you toss a dwarf, the dwarf will be tossed right back at you, but faster."
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"If you happen to catch on fire during the show, do not panic or wave your arms around or scream or we wil give something to panic and wave you arms around and scream about."
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"Do you have any Greek in you? That was just a tactful way of asking if you're pregnant. If you're not, then let's break up."
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"I was seeing this girl and she wanted to get more serious. But I wasn't ready to, I had just gotten out of a difficult relationship before that. So I said to her, 'Listen, you have to understand something. Relationships are like eyebrows. It's better when there's a space between them.' And that's coming from a Greek guy."
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"Vampire fad just won't die. Makes sense, I guess."
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"After going through years of litigation to get royalties due to him, the guy who coined the term 'happily ever after' lived reasonably well for a while."
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"The chances of someone who looks like Jesus having pot raises steadily, to a point. If the guy is on a cross you may have the wrong guy."
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"When I used to go on the Wikipedia page, and I haven't gone on the page in a while, there used to be some guy who was doing my page and he would say that he was my cousin and I was going to be doing projects with him. I don't know who this person is and I don't have a cousin by this name and this person keeps saying that they're doing projects with me. It's so weird."
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"My policy is 'No stone throwing regardless of housing situation.'"
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"Love is, and I hope it never isn't."
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"Everybody knew that you should never provoke a rattlesnake, much less tie it into a bow. But that didn't stop Judd. What did stop him was the rattlesnake."
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"My friend named his car. And I don't want to be judgemental, but... what a dork."
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"Right before I'm about to talk at length about something I like I say, Get me started."
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"Sometimes I like to go outside without even checking the weather first."
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"I love having an open seat next to me on the train. What's even better is when my seat is open too because I just stayed home."
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"I thought I would, you know, go to college, get to law school, finish, and then get a job and work as a lawyer, but that proved to be not a good fit for me."
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"Everything I ever learned I was told by someone else."
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"It seems that man's greatest natural enemy is the target."
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"I like digital cameras, because they enable you to reminisce immediately."
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