Quote collection
494 quotes — follow a thought to its full quote page.
"I equals all of the ifs added up over time. The ifs, those are the possibilities; that's infinite for all of us. Every day there are just millions of them. Time, that's finite for each of us; there is no question there. Maybe if you divide choices by the amount of time you have, the real I can emerge, depending upon those choices."
"When telling a story about how wasted you were last night, stop."
"I want to make a revolving door that says 'Pull' on it, just see how obedient people are."
"I always wanted to do a movie, because I love the movies. They give you a chance to have an intimacy with your audience that is different from stand up. With movies, you can bring the audience in with a close up, and emote in a different way."
"There are jokes I know I want to tell, and there's sort of a rough order, but usually I try to change it up every show, to improvise and talk with the audience. I think when you tell jokes, if you're not careful, you can end up telling the whole list of jokes and then that's it. And that can get a little boring."
"Don't forget to turn your clocks back today if you don't want your clocks to be set to the right time."
"Separate but equal is terrible for education but it's perfect for eyebrows."
"It's weird to make a decision where everyone in your life disapproves, pretty vocally and directly. They said, "You've got one year left. Just do it." I had a full scholarship so I didn't have to pay for it. They asked, "Why don't you just get the degree so you can have it?" And I said, "You don't understand. I was trying to figure out what I wanted to do and now I know. I have the answer and it's dumb to waste any more time.""
"I wonder if there were any goths in gothic times. They're like: You look completely appropriate. You don't look stupid or lonely at all."
"Halloween's my favorite holiday because you don't have to spend it with your family."
"The Pursuit of Happiness: It sure seems to like a good chase, doesn't it?"
"Okay, so, when I was a kid, definitely the drawings and the illustration. Then I stopped in sixth grade or so. And then I started again when I was in my twenties. I really didn't progress since then, so the way I draw is the way I drew in sixth grade."
"I'd love to win trophies, be in movies, have a body of work I'm proud of and find a way to enjoy it along the way. Success is probably a more of a complicated thing than that."
"Whenever I throw caution to the wind I make sure I'm facing the right way so that it doesn't blow back and hit me in my face."
"There is also a beast, a beast of strange dimensions. He has the head of a horse and the body of a man who needs a lot of attention. He represents me in college: I was a dork-ataur."
"I travel alone so much, and the first thought is to grab the damn phone. In airports, just look around. Nobody looks at anybody, or even out the window. It's obvious we can't live without it anymore, and as a comic on the road the phone is an essential tool. It's probably doing more good than bad for me, but it does make me sad that those of us who grew up without mobile phones, we know what we're missing."
"Some of them relate to farts but they are not fart jokes. They would just be a fart in the joke but it's about something else."
"I always try to just be honest ... As opposed to artifice or manipulation."
"They say that structure is freedom, and in a sense it is. When you're dealing with multiple constraints, you have to figure out what you can get out of that."
"A squirrel is the same as a can, when there's a bb gun in my hand. Can't you see that I am just a man? With distinctions... and comparisons."