"I need to develop some patience - immediately."
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Quote collection
Demetri Martin quotes (page 6 of 25)
494 quotes — follow a thought to its full quote page.
"I wish I lived next to Carnegie Hall. Then, if someone asked me how to get to my house, I would just say 'Practice, practice, practice, and then take a left.'"
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"Have a great day. Note: does not apply to my enemies."
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"The best way to make somebody feel important is to try to assassinate them."
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"A straw enables you to drink without using your wrist. A straw is your friend - until you lose eye contact with the straw. Then it will betray you and make you look like an idiot."
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"I think statues are great; they show what great people would look like if a bird sh*t all over them."
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"To make even fewer friends try talking about politics as much as you talk about yourself."
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"My mind says one thing, but my body says another. Thanks a lot, Indian food and beer."
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"I went to law school. I found it interesting for the first three weeks. By the fourth week, I found it tedious. I got bored and grew restless. I had no other plan for a job, because from seventh grade on, I had planned on law. So I shifted my focus from classes to extracurricular activities."
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"I am bravery. I am courage. I am valor. I am daring. I am holding a thesaurus."
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"The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you're signing somebody's cast."
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"You are ten times more likely to get hit by a car when the driver is aiming for you."
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"I can move objects with my mind, if I use my hands."
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"If you have a lip ring try hanging some tiny keys from it. This will make you look even more interesting."
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"It is impossible for a cyclops to wink."
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"99.99% of all castles in America are located in fish tanks."
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"If I have to move up in a building, I choose the elevator over the escalator. Because one time I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half."
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"There are two kinds of jackets - reversible, and reversible but it's hard to zipper up and it looks really stupid."
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"I think that when you get dressed in the morning, sometimes you're really making a decision about your behavior for the day. Like if you put on flipflops, you're saying: 'Hope I don't get chased today.' 'Be nice to people in sneakers.'"
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"The planets. Now footnote, I'm including Pluto in the planets, because I think it's terrible what they did to Pluto. And it's still a planet to me. I grew up with Pluto as a planet, it will always be a planet."
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