"Siamese twins are interesting because they are the only people who can write a biography and an autobiography at the same time."
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Quote collection
Demetri Martin quotes (page 8 of 25)
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"The problem with most people, is that they are most people."
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"When a Dalmatian sees a cow he must be like, 'What the hell happened to him? I am high right now. That dalmatian is fat and smeary.' When the cow sees the Dalmatian he must be like, 'He looks amazing. I am so out of shape, this is ridiculous. My tits are on the ground here."
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"When you're wearing an animal costume and something bad happens, your facial expression doesn't change. The animal is deadpan the whole time. If you're skiing in a gorilla suit and you fall, you just see a gorilla who has no emotion. It's just a stoic gorilla, wildly falling down a hill, out of control."
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"I like fruit baskets because it gives you the ability to mail someone a piece of fruit without appearing insane. Like, if someone just mailed you an apple you'd be like, 'huh? What the hell is this?' But if it's in a fruit basket you're like, 'this is nice!'"
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"Man is the most powerful creature on the planet. And we're arrogant. I mean, people own birds. It's like, there's a creature with the gift of flight. I want it. I'm going to put it in my kitchen and make it crap on old information."
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"I learned this summer that peeing in the pool and peeing INTO the pool are very different things. Location, Location, Location."
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"When I am holding a water balloon, so many things look so unnecessarily dry."
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"Now I got a time machine at home. It only goes foreword at regular speed. It's essentially a cardboard box and on the outside I wrote time machine in sharpie."
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"I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was. I said, 'Actual'. I'm not to scale."
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"I think cats would have an even worse attitude if they found out how stupid their names were."
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"Parades are man's attempt to make traffic exciting."
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"For example, I was a White House intern the summer before I dropped out of law school. Everybody knew about it. I'd come home and go to church and everybody would say, oh, my God. Demetri, you're working at the White House."
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"It's interesting to be an adult and to have that level of ignorance about something, because the nice part about is you get that discovery. The learning curve is so rich and steep."
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"I don't usually fly in first class, but I fart in first class."
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"I never give anyone just one congratulation. Congratulations are always plural. They are similar to grapes."
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"Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die. And when I'm swimming, sometimes I'm not sure which one it is."
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"But I found that disappointing people is a good thing, because disapproval is freedom."
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"It's funny: when people always talk about the importance of role models, I used to think that was so exaggerated, but as I get older, I start to realize I don't feel that way so much anymore. If you see somebody like you who's doing something, an older version of what you are, it does make you feel like it's more possible."
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"Once I started to look i finally began to see."
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