"100% of the people who give 110% do not understand math."
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Quote collection
Demetri Martin quotes (page 5 of 25)
494 quotes — follow a thought to its full quote page.
"Clothing sizes are weird, they go: small, medium, large and then extra large, extra extra large, extra extra extra large. Something happened at large, they just gave up. They were like, 'I'm not doing any more adjectives; you just keep putting extras on there.' We could do better than that: small, medium, large, whoa, easy, slow down, stop it, interesting, American."
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"There's a very fine line between giving someone the Heimlich maneuver and dry-humping a stranger."
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"My favorite fruit is grapes. Because with grapes, you always get another chance. 'Cause, you know, if you have a crappy apple or a peach, you're stuck with that crappy piece of fruit. But if you have a crappy grape, no problem - just move on to the next. 'Grapes: The Fruit of Hope.'"
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"There's a saying that goes, 'People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones.' OK. How about, 'Nobody should throw stones'? That's crappy behavior. My policy is, 'No stone throwing regardless of housing situation."
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"Dogs seem more photogenic than cats. In photos most cats look like sociopaths."
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"Turtles are greater than baby nephews, because it's ok to drop a turtle."
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"When I stub my toe it's like I pressed a button that plays all the curse words I know."
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"Canoe plus waterfall equals I don't go camping anymore."
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"Automatic paper towel dispensers are a solution to something that was never a problem in the first place."
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"A power nap, is when you sleep on someone who's weaker than you"
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"I set a personal record on Christmas. I got my shopping done three weeks ahead of time. I had all the presents back at my apartment, I was halfway through wrapping them, and I realized, 'Damn, I used the wrong wrapping paper.' The paper I used said, 'Happy Birthday.' I didn't want to waste it, so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it."
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"If you want to dry hump someone you don't know, just act like they were choking."
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"I like to use 'I Can't Believe it's Not Butter' on my toast in the morning, because sometimes when I eat breakfast, I like to be incredulous. How was breakfast? Unbelievable."
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"Game, set, match equals tennis. Set, match, run equals arson."
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"The sofa is the enemy of productivity."
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"I think it's cool when an ex-girlfriend becomes an XL girlfriend."
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"I love women, but I feel like you can't trust some of them. Some of them are liars, you know? Like I was in the park and I met this girl, she was cute and she had a dog. And I went up to her, we started talking. She told me her dog's name. Then I said, 'Does he bite?' She said, 'No.' And I said, 'Oh yeah? Then how does he eat?' Liar."
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"Sometimes it looks like I'm dancing, but it's just that I walked into a spider web."
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"I find that a shirt is most similar to a napkin when I don't have a napkin."
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