"When someone describes themself as a taxpayer, they're about to be an asshole."
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Quote collection
Demetri Martin quotes (page 4 of 25)
494 quotes — follow a thought to its full quote page.
"Man versus woman equals fun. Man versus man equals gay. Woman versus woman equals awesome. Man versus pillow equals crazy. Pillow versus pillow equals crazy awesome - that's a real pillow fight right there. You see two pillows fighting, you know something's going down. They're designed for relaxation. If they're fighting, what hope do we have? One time I saw two geese fighting, and I was like, 'This is a pillow fight ahead of time."
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"Someday I will tell my grandchildren that I lived in the era when OK was abbreviated to K."
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"I was walking in the park and this guy waved at me. Then he said, 'I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else.' I said, 'I am.'"
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"A Wednesday with no rain is a dry hump day."
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"Here is a tip for all you young people drinking wine. With pasta, drink white wine. With steak, drink red wine. And if you're vegan, you're annoying."
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"A jerk on a motorcycle is equal to a leaf, because I find it beautiful when these things fall."
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"Whenever I try to spell 'banana,' I feel stupid because I don't know when to end it."
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"A lot of people don't like bumper stickers. I don't mind bumper stickers. To me a bumper sticker is a shortcut. It's like a little sign that says 'Hey, let's never hang out.'"
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"If you remove a treehouse from a tree, than it's just a shitty house. Sometimes when i'm in a shitty house, I like to imagine that it's in a tree, than it's like Woah, this house is amazing."
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"How many of you are creative? I don't know, but for me, when you make a bunch of things over time and then you keep them... you forget. I look through my sketchbooks and I'm an audience for myself."
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"Checkers taught me that a King is a man with another man on top of him. But life taught me that that's actually called a Queen."
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"The bird, the bee, the running child are all the same to the sliding glass door."
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"It's very easy to turn a toy into an adult toy: Location, location, location."
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"Never be less interesting than your refrigerator magnets."
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"Sometimes, when something really great happens to me, I like to wait two weeks before I tell anyone about it, because I like to use the word 'fortnight'."
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"I think bears and worms aren't very similar... until you think of gummy."
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"My plumbing is all screwed up. Because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal."
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"I like parties, but I don't like piñatas because the pinata promotes violence against flamboyant animals. Hey, there's a donkey with some pizzazz. Let's kick its ass."
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"I don't think I ever wrote a song. I can write a lot of jokes, but when I try to write lyrics they're the most direct, non-figurative words, like, 'I like you, I like you,'... and that's it, for the whole song. People would go, 'Ooh, this guy's Dylan or something.' It gives me a lot more respect for songwriters, actually."
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