Quote collection
244 quotes — follow a thought to its full quote page.
"Yeah, this country's founding fathers are a bunch of dead rich white men, but they did set things up so you could come and sit at the table, so don't piss in the finger bowls, all right? Thank you. In return for unfettered economic opportunity and no government death squads, try to get along with your new stepmotherland, and don't be resentful if there's a set of house rules already in place."
"Parenting is the most important job on the planet next to keeping Gary Busey off the nation's highways."
"Other than the bombs they strap to their chests, Ive got no idea what makes the Palestinians tick."
"American's could be any more self absorbed if they were made of equal parts water and paper towel."
"You know there is a problem with the education system when you realize that out of the 3 R's only one begins with an R."
"It takes zero politically correct people to screw in a lightbulb because they are perpetually in the dark."
"They have an amazing proliferation of TV channels now: The all-cartoon channel, the 24-hour-science fiction channel. Of course, to make room for these they got rid of the Literacy Channel and the What's Left of Civilization Channel."
"My fear of flying starts as soon as I buckle myself in and then the guy up front mumbles a few unintelligible words then before I know it I'm thrust into the back of my seat by acceleration that seems way too fast and the rest of the trip is an endless nightmare of turbulence, of near misses. And then the cabbie drops me off at the airport."
"Twitter! Never have lives been less lived and more chronicled!"
"I think the American legal system sucks worse than a Celine Dion cover version of Whole Lotta Love."
"The world is so ass-backwards it almost makes you wish you were dyslexic."
"If Clinton had only attacked terrorism as much as he attacks George Bush we wouldn't be in this problem."
"I went to the UN and even the guidebook was spineless."
"I haven't seen someone so overmatched since Mike Tyson tried to recite the alphabet."
"And by the way, my belief is that if men were the ones getting pregnant, abortions would be easier to get than food poisoning in Moscow."
"I rant, therefore I am"
"If some unemployed punk in New Jersey, can get a cassette to make love to Elle McPherson for $19.95, this virtual reality stuff is going to make crack look like Sanka."
"TV evangelists say they don't favor any particular denomination, but I think we've all seen their eyes light up at tens and twenties."
"After 7 years of marriage, I am sure of 2 things: First, never wallpaper together and second, you'll need 2 bathrooms . . . both for her. The rest is a mystery, but a mystery I love to be involved in."
"Human beings are human beings. They say what they want, don't they? They used to say it across the fence while they were hanging wash. Now they just say it on the Internet."