"Hey! Who stole my collection of used bandages?! And they also got away with my nude pictures of Ernest Borgnine!"
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Quote collection
George Carlin quotes (page 17 of 49)
976 quotes — follow a thought to its full quote page.
"Is there another word for synonym?"
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"Have you ever started a path? No one seems willing to do this. We don't mind using existing paths, but we rarely start new ones. Do it today. Start a path. Even if it doesn't lead anywhere"
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"If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work."
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"Dogs lead a nice life. You never see a dog with a wristwatch."
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"The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept."
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"Avoid teams at all cost. Keep your circle small. Never join a group that has a name."
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"What do dogs do on their day off?; Can't lie around – that's their job!"
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"I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here are a few I would suggest: "Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was."; "Drinking will significantly improve your chances of murdering a loved one."; "If you drink long enough, at some point you will vomit up the lining of your stomach."; "Use this product and you may wake up in Morocco wearing a cowboy suit and tongue-kissing a transmission salesman.""
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"I don't like to think of laws as rules you have to follow, but more as suggestions."
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"What year did Jesus think it was?"
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"When people say “clean as a whistle”, they forget that a whistle is full of spit."
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"I've never seen a homeless guy with a bottle of Gatorade."
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"Grudges are a waste of perfect happiness. Laugh..apologiz e..let go of what you can't change."
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"For a while, I thought of myself as an atheist until I realized it was a belief, too. It's a shame everything has to have a label."
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"The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life."
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"You have to be realistic about terrorism. Certain groups of people, certain groups, Muslim fundamentalists, Christian fundamentalists, Jewish fundamentalists, and just plain guys from Montana, are going to continue to make life in this country very interesting for a long, long time."
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"Someone said, and rightfully, that "property is theft'." There's no way a man can stand and tell me that he owns an apple tree. I just don't believe you. And so this pursuit of position and money and power, they are all wrapped up into one package that I think is crippling, debilitating and limiting. And unfortunately, people get sucked into it and then they've got you on the treadmill. You know: ''You've got to have a good job'' and "You've got to have a good education'' - which is another word for indoctrination. We're never going to rise above these limitations we've placed on ourselves."
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"If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?"
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"Writing is really wonderful art. A lot of this is discovery. A lot of things are lying around waiting to be discovered and that's our job as writers is to just notice them and bring them to life."
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