Quote collection
976 quotes — follow a thought to its full quote page.
"Granola didn't sell very well when it was good for you. Now it has caramel, chocolate, marshmallow, saturated fat and sweeteners with a small amount of oats and grains. Sales picked up."
"I credit that eight years of grammar school with nourishing me in a direction where I could trust myself and trust my instincts. They gave me the tools to reject my faith. They taught me to question and think for myself and to believe in my instincts to such an extent that I just said, "This is a wonderful fairy tale they have going here, but it's not for me.""
"The Golden Gate Bridge should have a long bungee cord for people who aren't quite ready to commit suicide but want to get in a little practice."
"I couldn't commit suicide if my life depended on it."
"Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things."
"It's not in the mainstream media yet, but the biggest jump in skin cancer has occurred since the advent of sunscreens. That kind of thing makes me happy. The fact that people, in pursuit of a superficial look of health, give themselves a fatal disease. I love it when 'reasoning' human beings think they have figured out how to beat something and it comes right back and kicks them in the nuts. God bless the law of unintended consequences. And the irony is impressive: Healthy people, trying to look healthier, make themselves sick. Good!"
"The things they don't tell you in schools these days, geez. Have a look at your owners. The politicians are put there to give you the idea you have freedom of choice. You don't. You have no choice; you have owners. They own you. They own everything."
"I hope no one asks me to show them the ropes; I have no idea where they are. Maybe I could pull some strings and find out."
"As you swim the river of live, do the breast stroke. It helps to clear the turds from your path."
"With humans it's abortion, but with chickens it's an omelet."
"The main reason women are crazy, is that men are stupid."
"I went straight from shenanigans to crimes against humanity."
"The mayfly lives only one day. And sometimes it rains."
"Somewhere in the world is a doctor who is worse than all other doctors...and someone has an appointment with him in the morning."
"This country was founded by a group of slave owners who told us that all men are created equal."
"The secret of success is doing something you love, doing it well and being recognized for it"
"Politicians are put there to give you the idea that you have freedom of choice. You don't."
"People say, 'I'm going to sleep now,' as if it were nothing. But it's really a bizarre activity. 'For the next several hours, while the sun is gone, I'm going to become unconscious, temporarily losing command over everything I know and understand. When the sun returns, I will resume my life."
"That's the whole meaning of life, isn't it? Trying to find a place for your stuff."
"The child molester skipped breakfast, but said he'd grab a little something on the way to work."