Quote collection
976 quotes — follow a thought to its full quote page.
"People are wonderful. I love individuals. I hate groups of people. I hate a group of people with a 'common purpose'. 'Cause pretty soon they have little hats. And armbands. And fight songs. And a list of people they're going to visit at 3am. So, I dislike and despise groups of people but I love individuals. Every person you look at; you can see the universe in their eyes, if you're really looking."
"If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?"
"Let a smile be your umbrella, and you'll end up with a face full of rain."
"Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day."
"The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live."
"To me, fast food is when a cheetah eats an antelope."
"One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor."
"Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity."
"Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist."
"If honesty were suddenly introduced into American life, the whole system would collapse."
"I often warn people: "Somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell you, 'There is no "I" in team.' What you should tell them is, 'Maybe not. But there is an "I" in independence, individuality and integrity."
"Did you ever stop to thnk about all the people we kill? They're always people who tell us to live together in harmony and try to love one another: Jesus, Ghandi, Lincoln, John Kennedy, Bobby Kennedy, Medgar Evers, Malcolm X, Martin Luther King, John Lennon. They all said: 'Try to live together peacefully.' BAM! Right in the f--in head! Aparently we're not ready for that!"
"Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit."
"Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid."
"Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time."
"If you have selfish, ignorant citizens, you're gonna get selfish, ignorant leaders."
"Religion has convinced people that there's an invisible man ... living in the sky. Who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn't want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer, and suffer, and burn, and scream, until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you. He loves you and he needs money."
"Weather forecast for tonight: dark."
"If you vote and you elect dishonest, incompetent people into office who screw everything up, you are responsible for what they have done. You caused the problem; you voted them in; you have no right to complain"
"Medical researchers have discovered a new disease that has no symptoms. It is impossible to detect, and there is no known cure. Fortunately, no cases have been reported thus far."