Quote collection
976 quotes — follow a thought to its full quote page.
"Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.""
"A flag is supposed to represent everything that a country does. It doesn't only represent the good things. If you burn the flag, you're burning the flag for what you perceive to be the bad things the country has done. it's only a symbol. It's only a piece of cloth."
"Everyone smiles in the same language."
"The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, "You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done"."
"The wisest man I ever knew taught me something I never forgot. And although I never forgot it, I never quite memorized it either. So what I’m left with is the memory of having learned something very wise that I can’t quite remember."
"There may or may not be atheists in foxholes, but I'm certain there are none in the Ku Klux Klan."
"In Rome, the emperor sat in a special part of the Colosseum called the Caesarian Section."
"Life is sacred? Who said so, God? Hey, if you read history you'll realize that God is one of the leading causes of death...has been for thousands of years. Hindus, Muslims, Christians, Jews, all taking turns killing each other because God told them it was a good idea."
"Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another."
"What if there were no hypothetical questions?"
"Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck."
"Save the trees, save the bees, save the whales, save those snails."
"I have a suggestion that I think would help fight serious crime. Signs. There are lots of signs for minor infractions: No Smoking, Stay Off the Grass, Keep Out, and they seem to work fairly well. I think we should also have signs for major crimes: Murder Strictly Prohibited, NO Raping People, Thank You for Not Kidnapping Anyone. It's certainly worth a try. I'm convinced Watergate would never have happened if there had just been a sign in the Oval Office that said, Malfeasance of Office Is Strictly Against the Law, or Thank You for Not Undermining the Constitution."
"Cloud nine gets all the publicity, but cloud eight actually is cheaper, less crowded, and has a better view."
"I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is one I would suggest: "Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was."
"If a movie is described as a romantic comedy, you can usually find me next door playing pinball."
"People always tell me "Have a nice day." Well what if I don't want to? What if I want to have a crappy day?"
"I was a loner as a child. I had an imaginary friend - I didn't bother with him."
"So, have a little fun. Soon enough you'll be dead and burning in Hell with the rest of your family."
"'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence?"