"Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body"
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Quote collection
George Carlin quotes (page 3 of 49)
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"Religion is like a pair of shoes.....Find one that fits for you, but don't make me wear your shoes."
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"Life is a zero sum game."
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"What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?"
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"The larger the group, the more toxic, the more of your beauty as an individual you have to surrender for the sake of group thought. And when you suspend your individual beauty you also give up a lot of your humanity. You will do things in the name of a group that you would never do on your own. Injuring, hurting, killing, drinking are all part of it, because you've lost your identity, because you now owe your allegiance to this thing that's bigger than you are and that controls you."
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"Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty. I see a glass that's twice as big as it needs to be."
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"Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?"
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"If you love someone set them free. If they come back, set them on fire."
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"Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backward."
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"If it requires a uniform, it's a worthless endeavor."
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"If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?"
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"Why is there such controversy about drug testing? I know plenty of guys who'd be willing to test any drug they can come up with."
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"When I was a kid, if a guy got killed in a western movie I always wondered who got his horse."
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"I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose."
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"Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight?"
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"Bowling is not a sport because you have to rent the shoes."
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"I'm in shape. Round is a shape."
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"I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately."
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"When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat."
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"The next time they give you all that civic bullshit about voting, keep in mind that Hitler was elected in a full, free democratic election"
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