"I had no shoes, and I felt sorry for myself until I met a man who had no feet. I took his shoes. Now I feel better."
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Quote collection
George Carlin quotes (page 24 of 49)
976 quotes — follow a thought to its full quote page.
"I'm in favor of personal growth as long as it doesn't include malignant tumors."
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"I don't really identify with America, I don't really feel like an American or part of the American experience, and I don't really feel like a member of the human race, to tell you the truth. I know I am, but I really don't. All the definitions are there, but I don't really feel a part of it. I think I have found a detached point of view, an ideal emotional detachment from the American experience and culture and the human experience and culture and human choices."
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"I had run away from home three times. I had been kicked out of three different schools under different circumstances. I was kicked out of everything that I didn't quit. Kicked out of schools. Kicked out of summer camp, the Boy Scouts, the altar boys, the choir, and something else that I can't think of, that I'm proud of. Anyway, that was my pattern. I just began to invent myself early in life, and went out and did something about it."
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"The owner of a Florida massage parlor has been arrested by police. "There weren't any serious violations," said the officers, "she just rubbed us the wrong way.""
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"If I ever lose my mind I hope some honest person will find it and take it to Lost and Found."
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"Professional soldiers are people who die for a living."
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"If you're reading it in a book, folks, it ain't self-help. It's help."
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"I was taken to the hospital for observation. I stayed several days, didn't observe anything, and I left."
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"I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away."
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"I never take credit for anything, because it's mostly genetic to my way of thinking. Even the need to work hard with some genetic talent you're given - the need to go out and develop it, and push hard to bring it to people."
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"My books and records are arranged according to subject, and within each subject, they're alphabetical by author or artist. The music tapes are alphabetical and the performance tapes are in chronological order.I like to control my environment, because I feel if I have my physical space in order, then I'm free to dream."
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"There was about a two-year period at the end of the '60s, when I realized I was in the wrong place and entertaining the wrong people with the wrong material and that I was not being true to myself. I went through a metamorphosis into something more authentic for me, a more authentic stage voice and writing voice."
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"Pacifism is a nice idea but it can get you killed. We're not there yet. Evolution is slow, small pox is fast."
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"If God is all powerful, can He make a stone so big that He Himself can't lift it?"
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"But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're Just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed?"
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"On the other hand, pot opens windows and doors that you may not be able to get through any other way."
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"Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time."
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"Most people with low self-esteem have earned it."
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"Life is tough, then you die."
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