"If the shoe fits, buy another one just like it."
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Quote collection
George Carlin quotes (page 32 of 49)
976 quotes — follow a thought to its full quote page.
"I finally accepted Jesus. not as my personal savior, but as a man I intend to borrow money from."
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"Matt 13:57. Then Jesus told them, 'A prophet is honored everywhere except in his own hometown and among his own family.' The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going."
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"I sort of gave up on this whole human adventure a long time ago, divorced myself from it emotionally. It gives me an artistic detachment that I find valuable. I think the human race has squandered its gift, and I think this country has squandered its promise, for the sake of cell phones and Jet Skis."
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"You can't fight City Hall, but you can goddamn sure blow it up."
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"Bowling is not a sport because you have to rent the shoes. When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops? This title offends all three major religions, and even vegetarians!"
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"There are ten thousand people in the United States in a persistent vegetative state. Just enough to start a small town. Think of them as veggie-burghers."
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"Sometimes when I'm told to use my own discretion, if no one is looking I'll use someone else's. But I always put it back."
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"They say if you outlaw guns, only outlaws will have guns. Well, those are precisely the people who need them!"
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"In my fifth-grade yearbook - it's right up there on the top shell - the last page says, "What about your future?" and under my name, it says, "When I grow up, I would like to be either an actor, a radio announcer, an impersonator or a comedian.""
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"Grass probably helped me as much as it hurt me. Especially as a performer. When you're high, it's easy to kid yourself about how clever certain mediocre pieces of material are. But, on the other hand, pot opens windows and doors that you may not be able to get through any other way."
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"There are a lot of little things about our bodies that we all know, but we never talk about. That's what interests me. These are practically universal experiences; nobody mentions them! Some of them are disgusting. Some of them are appallingly revolting and degrading even to the most degenerate mind. So let's get started with a couple of them."
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"Comedy is grievances. It's a recitation of grievances - whether they're inconsequential, superficial - like "my wife shops too much", or "kids today", all those old-fashioned themes - or, if it's deeper, and somewhat more thoughtful, about social imbalance and inequities, and the folly of human behavior. It's usually a complaint."
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"Put two things together which have never been put together before, and some schmuck will buy it."
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"Boxing is a more sophisticated form of hockey."
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"What occurs as you age is an accumulation of information, data, knowledge, and what I'm going to call the matrix of the mind. There's just a rich, textured, field of information and impressions that have been all networked by the brain."
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"We [americans] are not a freedom-loving people in the beautiful, spiritual sense. We have an inspiring Constitution, but we're a hardhearted people."
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"I kind of like it when a lot of people die, and on the other hand I always wonder how many unused frequent-flier miles they had."
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"It was the typical paranoid experience [to hide coke]. As soon as I knew my hiding place, I thought the whole world knew it. I'd write clues to my hiding places in code, then forget the code and spend the rest of the day looking for my coke."
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"If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?"
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