"We will never be an advanced civilization as long as rain showers can delay the launching of a space rocket."
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Quote collection
George Carlin quotes (page 31 of 49)
976 quotes — follow a thought to its full quote page.
"Nothing you see on the Internet is mine unless it comes from one of my albums, books, HBO specials, or appeared on my website."
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"Why are a 'wise man' and a 'wiseguy' opposites?"
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"Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore."
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"People who ask "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really give me a choice, did ya there buddy?"
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"People get all upset about torture, but when you get right down to it, it's really a pretty good way of finding out something a person doesn't want you to know."
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"Ah, to be a bird. To fly the skies, sing my song, and best of all occasionally peck someone's eyes out."
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"I don't own a camera, so I travel with a police sketch artist."
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"The truth is, Pavlov's dog trained Pavlov to ring this bell just before the dog salivated."
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"I never worry that all hell will break loose. My concern is that only part of hell will break loose and be much harder to detect."
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"It is said that Indians were sometimes named for the first thing they saw when they were born. Makes you wonder why there aren't more Indians named Hairy Pussy, doesn't it?"
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"The Muslims observe their Sabbath on Friday, the Jews observe on Saturday, and the Christians on Sunday. By the time Monday rolls around God is completely f***in' worn out."
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"Always do whatever's next."
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"Tits always look better in a pink sweater."
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"By elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy."
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"Here's a bumper sticker I'd like to see... 'We are the Proud Parents of a Child who has resisted his teacher's attempts to bend him to the will of his corporate masters'."
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"Regarding the fitness craze: America has lost its soul; now it's trying to save its body."
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"In football the object is for the quarterback, also known as the field general, to be on target with his aerial assault, riddling the defense by hitting his receivers with deadly accuracy in spite of the blitz, even if he has to use the shotgun. With short bullet passes and long bombs, he marches his troops into enemy territory, balancing this aerial assault with a sustained ground attack that punches holes in the forward wall of the enemy's defensive line. In baseball the object is to go home! And to be safe! I hope I'll be safe at home!"
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"Let's suppose we all just materialized on Earth and there was a bunch of potatoes on the ground, okay? There's just six of us. Only six humans. We come into a clearing and there's potatoes on the ground. Now, my instinct would be, let's everybody get some potatoes. "Everybody got a potato? Joey didn't get a potato! He's small, he can't hold as many potatoes. Give Joey some of your potatoes." "No, these are my potatoes!" That's the Republicans. "I collected more of them, I got a bigger pile of potatoes, they're mine. If you want some of them, you're going to have to give me something.""
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"If the cops didn't see it, I didn't do it!"
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