"I go to bed early; my favorite dream comes on at nine."
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Quote collection
George Carlin quotes (page 34 of 49)
976 quotes — follow a thought to its full quote page.
"Never forget that Hitler was a Catholic."
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"Where does the dentist go when he leaves the room?"
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"You take 5 white guys and you take 5 black guys and put em together for a week and what you won't have is 5 blacks guys talking like, 'Golly gee, we really won that big basketball game' but you will have 5 white guys talking like 'Yo slick, whuzzup...we be shootin hoops and mad playin, slammed those mofos"
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"Sometimes guys'll say to you, 'Have a good one'. I say, 'I already have a good one. Now I'm looking for a longer one'."
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"Flowers are one of the few things we buy, bring home, watch die, and we don't ask for our money back."
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"There are only two types of motorists: the idiots who drive slower than me, and the lunatics who go faster."
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"A scary dream makes your heart beat faster. Why doesn't the part of your brain that controls your heartbeat realize that another part of your brain is making the whole thing up? Don't these people communicate?"
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"Does killing time damage eternity?"
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"I was once dancing with a woman who told me she had a yeast infection so I told her to bake me some bread."
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"Sometimes a little brain damage can help."
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"Intelligence tests are biased toward the literate."
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"In TV today, you can say I pricked my finger, but you can't say it the other way around."
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"To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it."
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"If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know? If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words? Why is 'phonics' not spelled the way it sounds? How come abbreviated is such a long word?"
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"A woman told me her child was autistic, and I thought she said artistic. So I said, 'Oh great. I'd like to see some of the things he's done."
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"When you think about it, 12:15 P.M. is actually 11:75 A.M."
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"I enjoy watching a woman with really bad teeth and a good sense of humor struggling to use her lips and tongue to hide her teeth when she's laughing. I just stand there and tell her joke after joke after joke."
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"President George Bush declared a National Day of Prayer for Peace. This was after he had carefully arranged and started the war."
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"It's way beyond ironic that a place called the Holy Land is the location of the fiercest, most deeply felt hatred in the world. And it makes for wonderful theater."
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