Quote collection
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"I try not to see new comics - their acts or their films. Part of that is professional. I don't want to be influenced. But another part is fear and jealousy. I'm afraid to see how good they might be. I don't like that emotion, but it's part of me."
"Don Ho can sign autographs 3.4 times faster than Efrem Zimbalist Jr."
"I quit school in ninth grade, even though I was good at the studies. I knew I didn't need school for what I wanted."
"I became a guy who wanted to be a comedian someday, or a comic actor. The way I put it was, I'll be like Danny Kaye. He was kind of the model I had in mind."
"Hitler never bothered with restaurant reservations; he just dropped by. And somehow they always found him a table."
"Anyone who's onstage is going to attract a certain number of misguided people. But I was never very interested in groupies. Instead of thinking about the sex, I'd always think about the clap and the crabs those people have."
"If a drug has anything going for it at all, it should be self-limiting. It should tell you when you've had enough."
"I don't have to tell you it goes without saying there are some things better left unsaid. I think that speaks for itself. The less said about it the better."
"Who decides when the applause should die down? It seems like it's a group decision; everyone begins to say to themselves at the same time, "Well, okay, that's enough of that.""
"And this should go without saying. That's why I'm going to say it: Drinking and driving don't mix. Do your drinking early in the morning and get it out of the way. Then go driving while the visibility is still good."
"In football the object is to march into enemy territory and cross his goal. In baseball the object is to go home."
"You live eighty years, and at best you get about six minutes of pure magic."
"On Thanksgiving, you realize you're living in a modern world. Millions of turkeys baste themselves in millions of ovens that clean themselves."
"In baseball the object is to go home! And to be safe! - I hope I'll be safe at home!"
"My father? My father left when I was quite young. Well actually, he was asked to leave. He had trouble metabolizing alcohol."
"I tell ya, if I hadn't chosen the career of being a performer, I think linguistics would have been a natural area that I'd have loved - to teach it, probably, Language has always fascinated me. There's a genetic inheritance there a good language gene, which I inherited [from my mother and grandfather] and she fostered that in me as he fostered that in her."
"The two big mistakes were the belief in a sky god - that there's a man in the sky with 10 things he doesn't want you to do and you'll burn for a long time if you do them - and private property, which I think is at the core of our failure as a species. That's the source of my indignations, my dissatisfactions, however it comes out on the stage. I feel betrayed by the people I'm part of, these creatures, these magnificent creatures."
"As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything."
"George Washington’s brother, Lawrence, was the Uncle of Our Country."
"I'm offering a special prize for the first Buick on the moon."